tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71370595204606200432024-02-19T22:53:16.020+08:00Excerpts of a Wandering MindAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.comBlogger860125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-31652835226136757822017-07-21T14:15:00.001+08:002017-07-21T14:16:05.995+08:00This is how I die<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">And this is
how I die<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I die with
your breath on my skin<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 111.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Lips running over <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Echoes of words
exploding within<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I breathe<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Then don’t<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">While you
move on again<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Claiming yet
another ghost<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Of the
girls who once loved you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">~Rachel A.N.C.L.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-14650573311413367972016-08-18T13:51:00.001+08:002016-08-18T13:52:08.031+08:00Overdose<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Every time there’s another break up</div>
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My body goes into shut down mode</div>
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Starvation mode they like to call it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hollowed cheekbones </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Half dazed eyes that smiles</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Normalcy forged</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cannot fake nor hide</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Food becomes a scarcity that passes these lips</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I want to smoke you </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The very essence I drank in of your breath</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The taste of you on the tip of my tongue</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lingering</div>
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It kills the taste for everything else</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And my stomach rebels if it’s not you </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It doesn’t help even if he’s feeding me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel nothing but your hand brush against my skin</div>
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I’m sorry, I tell him</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sorry if I cringe</div>
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Really, love</div>
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He was only trying to help me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This hollowed out shell of a human body</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where once these curves you rested so casually</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Arms draped over this waist and hips</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Warmth in the night</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your arm heavy</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s been weeks now and I can count my bones</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every bone on my body</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I see them all piercing the fog that impedes me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The maelstrom has calmed but holds</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That quiet foggy aftermath that the wind doesn’t stir</div>
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I don’t think if I can </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And dreaming </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If only I could have it banned</div>
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I swear I’ve seen you more in my dreams than in reality</div>
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You were never this close </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And my heart knows</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every memory a bitter pill</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’re just another dose</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So let me take one too many of it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After all I write best when broken</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Overdosing is just another token</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of your love that's a medicine</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm now allergic to</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.</div>
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<![endif]-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-42452767755126172962016-08-14T14:50:00.000+08:002016-08-14T14:51:04.322+08:00Poison AppleYou'll be my poison apple,<br /> I'll be your looking glass,<br /> The one dream that cannot happen,<br /> Is the one that in my mind still lasts,<br /> The clock strikes midnight,<span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> Twelve doleful chimes,<br /> Goodbye my sweet knight,<br /> Hello to you whom i despise.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text_exposed_show"> ~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-80512843851742870662016-08-03T19:28:00.002+08:002016-08-03T19:29:35.846+08:00Rent<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The Lord is my shelter and my strength</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In Him I trust</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In Him I trust</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet why do I feel so broken and spent</div>
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My heart feels the worst</div>
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Torn down, aching</div>
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Silently spent</div>
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Tears keep dripping</div>
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Misery pays no rent</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-6391213940917830552016-07-30T03:18:00.001+08:002016-07-30T03:19:48.181+08:00Anywhere but goodbye<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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You ask me why</div>
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Temporary </div>
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Like you don’t realize how scary</div>
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It seems to be</div>
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A week from now </div>
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I’ll have to walk past you like </div>
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We never touched</div>
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Those pictures I took in your room</div>
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The yellow walls</div>
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They now entomb </div>
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The one I would’ve died for </div>
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I’d rather be anywhere else</div>
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Than where you say </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Goodbye</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-41490157823841341092016-07-24T02:06:00.004+08:002016-07-24T02:08:28.975+08:00Don't ask me<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Nobody gets past the curves </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And we fool ourselves thinking</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is right</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is right</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is right</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am alright</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They don’t see the waterfalls </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Etched down the grooves of our cheeks</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The hollow bones carving caverns </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where our hearts don’t show on our sleeves</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask me why my eyes look hollowed out</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Darker caves than before</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like someone blackened them with ashes</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of a heart burnt to dust</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like the bloody bruised remnants of a fight</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Internalized so it won’t harm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Won’t make a sound</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not even when I hit the ground at night </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Curled up in a ball</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask me why my collarbones stand out so</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And my breath aches like a quiet whisper</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Snaking past my throat to a smothered whimper</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why I can’t breathe and my eyes go blank</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like panic attacks?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes except my ribcage constricts like an anaconda </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Winding itself around</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nothing<br />
The emptiness feels like it's splitting me apart<br />
But still </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask me why I wrap myself </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Endless swathes of clothes when it’s burning</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Furiously damning hot</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why though I sweat and sweat </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The shivers run through me </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Crippling this body</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This same skin and bones<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>and muscles</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That you used to trail your fingers along ever so lovingly</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask me </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I’ll be ok</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Watch for the signs </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you lost weight?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If only you’d feel my ribcage </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’d see it isn’t the weight I’ve lost</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s the beating of a heart</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-30683040164946857282016-07-18T04:14:00.001+08:002016-07-20T22:04:19.178+08:00Dealing with ghosts<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->His hair was rough, wiry even. Like a Scottish terrier’s the
strands scratched my chin as I nestled against his head, his breaths coming
even and controlled against my chest. His hands, smaller than yours and more
delicate, the fingers long and beautiful, an artist’s hands but still a man’s
rested softly against my back, one cupping my shoulder blade and the other
pressed against the hollow. I closed my eyes and thought of you. The darkness
in the room reminded me of the darkness in which you kissed my neck. The way he
does now and as someone else will do from now on. It will never be you again.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t say I miss you, truly I don’t. My love for you died
about the time you ghosted me, that final unspoken message sinking into the
depth of a heart long broken by your inability to love fully. By the way you
crushed me beneath your cold pride and your ego threw that last shovel of dirt
over the grave of our relationship. How that cut hurt when I poured salt into
it, the pain of its sting lasting for a day, then two. Then gone, just like
that. It’s amazing how fast anger heals more than melancholic remembrances. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He cups my cheek in his hand and I sigh into the warmth that
is both alien and home. For a moment I can barely tell the difference between
the two, the reality of his hand on my skin and the mirage memories of yours
touching me the same way. For a moment, I forget to breathe. He is clumsy
still, a pup compared to your precision and your knowledge in bed. But he will
learn. He is gentle and unsure, a combination I loved once, the good boy
learning how to be bad. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Taming a monster is never a challenge I back down from and
God knows I’ve paid the price many times over now. Six to be exact. But this
one has a beautiful soul that’s maybe just as broken as mine. The longing that
rolls off his skin is a mesmerizing thing. It’s so heavy in the air till it
seeps into my lungs; his yearning for human touch is addictive. I remember the
way my skin remembers things. First kisses and awkward hugs that turned into
breathless passionate stolen moments. He will remember this the way my skin
does. Skin memory never forgets.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mouth on his and I don’t taste you anymore. The taste of
his lips, the shape of his tongue; there’s so much to explore again, so much I’ve
forgotten in the time I was with you and things were routine, habitual. He learns
to kiss me the way you used to do, and the way the rest did before you. He will
learn yet. Lips closed, slowly, gently touch and let go. Come back up for air
and repeat. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe this is lucky number seven, who knows? I will live
through this and right now, the moment s we shared turn to ashes, smouldering
in the heat of my pain and anger. But first remember his lips on mine, stubble
brushing the soft skin of my nape and then my collarbones. Tingling and raw I feel
every inch of my skin, hypersensitive and itching for more. Greedy. My body has
always been a hungry thing and I’ve been starving it so long now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I learned to let you go, the moment he touched me and felt
the bones of my neglect showing through my skin. The way he skimmed his fingers
over every bump and controlled his tone, light as possible, don’t pain her more
than she has already suffered, that was when I knew it was time to let go. I was
never that fragile really. I simply chose to mourn in the only way I knew how. In
that grieving I found myself and remembered who I was before you. Maybe I can’t
become her again but that doesn’t mean he will suffer for what you did. All the
love I had to give you that you never deserved, maybe it will be his. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe it will be someone who I have yet to know. Someone whose
face I have yet to see light up with a smile that will become my rainy day joy
and a laugh that will make my belly ache. Someone who will feed me when I get
too engrossed watching a show instead of tell me off for being slow. Someone who
will nag me for my OCD habits yet still gently give me ground to control myself
instead of forcing me the way you did. Someone who will love me and fight for
me no matter what. I swear the tears that came as I wrote this are not for you.
They are for me. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m mourning the girl who gave all and lost. I’m mourning
the love I gave without thinking and the draining emotions I forced upon
myself. In those dark hours when I wept and howled to the empty four corners of
my room, in the hours you weren’t there for me when you said you’d be, I learned
to trust my heart. It has learned to beat again. Guess what, boy? It’s stronger
than when it was before. But for now, I will enjoy his touch and I will melt,
as I did for you not so long ago. As dawn breaks and streams in through his
window I hope the ghost of you leaves me. I’m done praying for the heart and soul
of us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-34845586821499359592016-07-09T13:48:00.002+08:002016-07-09T13:49:24.798+08:00You've got to breatheI tell myself<br />
Breathe<br />
Breathe<br />
Come on<br />
You've got to<br />
It hurts<br />
Hell burning in my lungs<br />
I would sooner die<br />
I'm already there<br />
But the voice goes on and on<br />
Breathe<br />
Come on<br />
You've got to live<br />
Even if I'm clutching<br />
My pillow to my chest<br />
To keep my heart from spilling out<br />
I love you<br />
I love you<br />
Please come back<br />
I hold it back<br />
Push it all in and try not to cry<br />
Breathe<br />
Breathe<br />
You've got to breathe<br />
But all I want to do is die<br />
<br />
Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-63808895006888955022016-07-08T23:10:00.001+08:002016-07-08T23:11:36.407+08:00Letting goI spent the hours before dawn<br />
Composing<br />
It's impossible to sleep anymore<br />
My dawning hours spent<br />
Restful by your side<br />
Watching you sleep with a gaze<br />
That rivaled any cheesy romance<br />
Gone<br />
Now I lie awake<br />
Restless fingers moving<br />
To the beat of a<br />
Racing mind<br />
But empty heart<br />
<br />
I'm learning to let you go<br />
Even before you leave<br />
Fighting in a war that rages around me<br />
Like a ghost<br />
My weapons fall unmanned<br />
My cries tumbling into the void<br />
That is you<br />
The war rages around me<br />
And I<br />
Am its first and only casualty<br />
But you will not save me<br />
Nor let me die in peace<br />
<br />
<br />
Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-36942100849121638102016-07-08T23:05:00.003+08:002016-07-08T23:06:32.351+08:00I write your name on my handsI write your name on my hands<br /> And in a quiet breath<br /> Breathe in the memories you and I left<br /> In the wake of your silence<br /> I contemplate<span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> The ink barely dried yet<br /> It’s never too late<br /> Chin up<br /> Face forward<br /> I’ve never been one to run</span><br />
<br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
I write your name on my hands<br /> And I kiss my palms the way you did<br /> That cold June night<br /> When it was under your blanket that I hid<br />
<br />
I write your name on my hands <br /> Because it’s the only way I know how<br /> My hands typed these words<br /> Just as they have typed ‘I love you’s then and now<br />
<br />
<br />
Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-22599274193288546342016-05-10T02:17:00.003+08:002016-05-10T02:19:41.658+08:00Soft<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I'm growing softer, malleable
almost. My bones liquid ivory, like milk they slosh around inside of my body,
the skin barely holding it all in. I am growing into the girl I never wished to
be. My memories are tear-filled nights and masked days, the bruises on my body
show just as much as the lacerations in my mind. They never stop bleeding, did
you know that?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">At night you emerge with your whips
and chains, your tongue at ready to tear and rend what is not yours. I have
long submitted to it in my mind but outwardly you seem to see me fight. Why
else do you wield your weapons even more cruelly than before?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">There’s a sinking feeling now when
you’re gone, lost are the days of happy anticipation of a word from my
favourite person. This body you used to hold has grown cold. I no longer
remember who you are. Breaks are filled with a hollow dread of loss even though
you still exist. You remain and yet something is gone. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Like a fruit gone bad, I squish
myself into a ball as best I can, wedging the pillows into the hollows your
body used to fill. I can almost sense the ghost of you there but when I tell
you so you pretend not to hear. I dismiss it and move on to my alter-ego who I
adopted at your behest, bright, cheery me. I will put up this mask for as long
as it takes for you to remember who you were before. All that accompanies me is
a prayer, heartfelt and worn around the edges like my mind. I hold my thoughts
at night and worry at them till they fray and possibly, hopefully begin to
unravel and make sense of you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The sun brings tears of a different
kind that I struggle to blink away. I wilt now, softening in the light as I
emerge into the world and go about pretending to be human, to be whole. Deep
inside, my spine curls in on itself like a flower whose stem is dying for lack
of water. Or perhaps it is simply roots it lacks. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I can paint my face but it still
remains porcelain pale. This flower deemed unfit for the table because it
wouldn’t bend just so, it still tries to bloom, crushed petals and all. Mother
says I’ve seen a ghost and I agree. It was the ghost of you. And me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">~ Rachel Alexandrina </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-23676693354686725032016-04-07T00:49:00.001+08:002016-04-07T00:50:19.438+08:00Letters for youI scattered the letters for you,<br />
But blinded you chose not to see,<br />
And I bled for every word I wrote,<br />
Yet you stepped over them,<br />
Over me,<br />
My voice stayed choked,<br />
My mind remained blank,<br />
I wanted you to know,<br />
But I just couldn't say,<br />
Screaming,<br />
Screaming,<br />
But only inside,<br />
You looked at me,<br />
And yet you smiled,<br />
At that moment my heart died.<br />
<br />
~Rei Shiori <br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-69977789293317088602016-04-07T00:44:00.000+08:002016-04-07T00:50:09.824+08:00It still hurtsSome nights, I want to break down and tell you<br />
<br />
"I've had enough of this"<br />
<br />
Even through it all, despite your assurances from the times before when I've been in tears that I matter, I still find that I can't seem to see that it's true.<br />
It takes so much more effort to think that I even exist as a treasured person to you.<br />
If I'm so loved, why do I sometimes feel like I'm a filler for everything else in your life?<br />
It's as if life is too full of things to see and then there's me. Just another thing to check off on your to-do list.<br />
<br />
I want to know what I am to you, before I forget and think I'm what they all told me I was. Before I remember that I'm someone to make them happy. Them. Not me. Never me.<br />
<br />
For once, I want to feel like I'm the only one in the world for you. Yes, I'm a selfish girl. I shouldn't be anymore now I'm an adult. But pain comes so often I drown in it and I revert back to the un-selfless girl who knew only self-preservation because nobody else was going to make sure she was ok. I'm not ok. But you don't care.<br />
<br />
For all the times you said someone else was so pretty, it made me sink an inch deeper into the self-doubt I've carried for years. You know. You should anyway. And yet you say it. Months down the road and I still remember every instance in which you tell me "We went there to look at the pretty girls" or "She was a really pretty girl and she was sitting there next to me" or even just "Wow, she's really pretty". It sounds so shallow when I say I get jealous. I know I said I don't but the truth is it kills me again and again. You just don't know. Or you don't care. And it still hurts.<br />
<br />
The pain never goes away and you only make it worse. It still hurts.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-701974334685938392016-02-29T11:20:00.004+08:002016-02-29T11:20:38.973+08:00Some days<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;">Sometimes
when you hurt so much your hands shake. It’s a cliché to say my breath stopped
and hitched in the hole that is my chest. The surrounding noises blurring into
one giant entity that aches and gnaws away my thoughts. I go still. Like a bird
or a mouse spotted by a cat, stone still, like the angels in the graveyards who
overlook buried lovers. I try hard to not let it show. I work. I chew on my
biscuit. Dutifully, I swallow mouthful after mouthful of flaky sawdust that I
don’t taste because I ACHE. I hurt so much inside because I don’t know if you
feel the way I do and honestly I probably never will. When the tears gather
behind my swollen eyelids from a night spent crying over dreams I know aren’t
real but feel so solid I could grasp them and tie a noose around my neck with
them, I stop typing. Because I know I will cry right here in my plush little
office chair surrounded by people who are going on with their lives while I am
here. Tearing up over something I found missing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;">Maybe you’re
right and I expect too much of you. But I hope you know it’s only because I
would’ve done that much too. I hope you know all the million little things I
think about when you’re not here. I wouldn’t deny you time living your own
life. I just wished I was part of it too. Seeing you once a week after being
with you in your bed, in your arms every night for close to three months is
like taking the best shot of high grade cocaine and then telling me I have to
stop. I’ve got to go cold turkey this instant. You have become a drug I need to
cut out but I can’t bring myself to do it. Even if you are a drug, you’re my
drug. I love you past the point of destruction and I will probably continue
doing so until I have nothing left to give and can no longer find it in me to
keep going. I hurt. I’m sure you do too after all the daggers I threw at you in
my blind rage to get you to see. To get you to understand that even though you
try and see me once a week. It is never enough. I am a demanding lover. If you
can’t handle me, walk away. I won’t blame you. Walk away now and forget me. I am
wild and adorable when I feel like it, but I am so much more infinitely angry
and lonely and sad than I am happy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;">I have a
month or so left to be here. I promised myself I wouldn’t go the way my ex did,
crying and demanding more time, more attention as if I would be dying at the
stroke of midnight after this one precious month is over and I go back to the
reality of my life. Being here has been a dream and I would have gladly stayed
comatose if it would keep me here forever. I will not go the way he did and
cling like poison ivy to you. I promised to not control you like your exes, not
to hurt you physically, not to be them. I’m sorry if I failed. I can’t help how
I feel most of the time and I end up being a weight tied to your leg when what
you needed was a raft to carry you. I’m sorry. Forgive me if you feel me
letting you go bit by bit. I can’t stand the intensity of this need I have and
the physical pain it actually wreaks on me. You are stoic. More than I will
ever be. I am full of raw emotions and they don’t process well. So maybe,
maybe, if I stop thinking of you so much, stop reminding myself of you so much,
stop waiting. Maybe I won’t hurt so much. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;">Some days it’s
better not to feel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-41841993836398012992016-01-21T00:07:00.003+08:002016-01-21T00:08:19.402+08:00Grasping at dreamsHeart heavy,<br />
Mind sore,<br />
No matter how much you give me,<br />
Doesn't it seem like I,<br />
Always want more?<br />
Can't tell if I'm awake,<br />
Can't tell if these are dreams of the dead,<br />
I get nearer,<br />
You fade away,<br />
Where is it then,<br />
Where we can meet and stay?<br />
You come in the night,<br />
But dreams fade with the light,<br />
I wake up grasping,<br />
And my pillow,<br />
These tears hide.<br />
<br />
~Rei ShioriAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-60180060051012063082016-01-21T00:00:00.001+08:002016-01-21T00:01:01.230+08:00Empty AirYou no longer remember,<br />
What it was like before,<br />
Absence makes the heart grow fonder,<br />
But this short distance,<br />
Just rubs the wound sore,<br />
Right within reach,<br />
But never there,<br />
I look right at you,<br />
Empty air.<br />
<br />
~Rei Shiori Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-23716449896439341072015-12-15T17:20:00.001+08:002015-12-15T17:21:24.723+08:00QueenDid you just rip that off?<br />
Band aid that,<br />
Your skin's still soft,<br />
Look at this,<br />
All battle scarred,<br />
Don't want to hurt you,<br />
Don't want to leave no mark,<br />
They say life's all breezy,<br />
But I ain't got enough heart,<br />
Left to set free,<br />
Run away angel,<br />
While you can,<br />
See these scars all down my hands?<br />
Bite them,<br />
Scratch them,<br />
Don't bow to my demons,<br />
I fight them,<br />
And this pain is how I know,<br />
I'm still alive,<br />
Still in the show,<br />
Take a bow now,<br />
Don't let go,<br />
Hang on to that crown,<br />
You're a queen,<br />
So let them know.<br />
<br />
~Rei ShioriAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-69304108488290649932015-12-13T02:52:00.002+08:002015-12-13T02:53:06.120+08:00ExesThere was the time,<br />
When we said together forever,<br />
Didn't we?<br />
But forever is a long long time,<br />
And we were young,<br />
Naive and love,<br />
Or what we thought it was,<br />
Had us all hung,<br />
Out to dry like laundry in the sun,<br />
Forever was in the mail,<br />
But you just weren't the one.<br />
<br />
~Rei ShioriAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-12547370474253261612015-12-09T17:03:00.003+08:002015-12-09T17:04:35.890+08:00Have your way<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should have seen it coming</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cliched as it sounds</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The walls were closing in and</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t learn to run</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Didn’t learn to breathe on my own</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pinned down under illusions</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of a fairer trade</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For your whiny greed </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unsatisfied despite your luxurious fate</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was content to exist</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And you were content to make </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My personality fade</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was your little pet</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In your cruel gold cage</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While you weaved your endless</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wants around my head</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like poison ivy in my dreams</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They made me dream in nightshade</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And you</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bully that you are</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Were simply content </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To let me drown </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the lake of guilt you made</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Waters closing over my head</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No sounds</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Don’t speak’ you said</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You would have your way</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Rei Shiori</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-38543242285921676822015-11-22T13:18:00.000+08:002015-11-22T13:18:28.291+08:00WishingIt's been a long time since,<br />
I cried myself to sleep,<br />
And cried myself awake,<br />
Half wishing the day doesn't come,<br />
Entirely wishing I was dead,<br />
All these words,<br />
Cut just a little more,<br />
I wake up finding my heart on the floor.<br />
<br />
~Rei Shiori <br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-51329768946259507142015-11-21T23:39:00.000+08:002015-11-21T23:39:47.625+08:00Hit and missAm I just another box to tick,<br />
On your to-do list?<br />
Some times feeling,<br />
This whole thing is like,<br />
A hit and miss.<br />
<br />
~Rei Shiori <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-59795197248767831952015-11-12T00:27:00.003+08:002015-11-12T00:28:24.295+08:00RunCome to me when you feel alone,<br />
I'll call you back,<br />
I'll lead you home,<br />
If your heart ever feels,<br />
It needs to run away,<br />
Take my hand in yours,<br />
Show me the way,<br />
I'll run with you, don't be afraid.<br />
<br />
~Rei Shiori <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-73237422098019585612015-10-12T23:06:00.002+08:002015-10-12T23:07:27.595+08:00LonelinessI have you right?<br />
So why do these feelings win?<br />
Every day they crawl beneath my skin, <br />
Why does loneliness,<br />
Still come crashing in?<br />
<br />
I feel so forgotten, this wasn't what I thought it'd be like. <br />
<br />
~Rei ShioriAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-17825349791598368242015-10-09T18:55:00.000+08:002015-10-09T20:33:29.545+08:00Just tiredJust tired of trying so hard. What's the point when I'm never good enough for someone or another? Just want to be left alone.<br />
Tired of being this supposed obedient daughter which I'm not and will not be.<br />
Tired of listening all the time instead of being heard.<br />
Tired of not being able to grow at my own pace, do things the way I want.<br />
<br />
Just.<br />
<br />
Tired.<br />
<br />
Even my writing is shit now.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7137059520460620043.post-31598275308141886062015-10-01T03:35:00.002+08:002015-10-01T03:36:37.119+08:00Strangers againIn the end,<br />
It all came to this,<br />
My sweetest love,<br />
Turned to bitterest,<br />
All that sharpened teeth,<br />
Hitting,<br />
Biting,<br />
Bitten,<br />
Why do we always cry,<br />
When something's gone?<br />
Why ask me why?<br />
You know what you did wrong,<br />
Started with the blame game,<br />
Now here we are,<br />
Back to square one,<br />
Less than that,<br />
Strangers again,<br />
Try to tell me how I should feel,<br />
But I'm no longer delirious,<br />
No longer insane,<br />
You were an angel,<br />
But a devil is what you became.<br />
<br />
~Rei ShioriAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16149709156234151667noreply@blogger.com0