I give up trying to fix the three white squares. I shall now accept the imperfection. Or perhaps change my mind and make the screen white so it can't be seen...hehe, camouflage. I don't know why little things like that tend to irk me. I'm not really a self-professed perfectionist, yet here I am worrying over what people will think when they see the three white squares there.
I guess it's the same thing as everything else in my life. I see the imperfections too much. I'm too intense. And that scares people. That makes them think I'm crazy. Who know if they're right. Being too suffocating and clingy is a fault. Getting angry when I'm jealous is very big fault too. I admit I have it. But only because I love too much and I am always afraid of losing everything. I am constantly in fear of being abandoned for something better, something more lively, more exciting, something cuter. Hey, I never said it'd be all roses and sunshine right? (To be honest, I HATE SUNLIGHT. No, I'm not a vampire. No, I do not sparkle either.) I just promised I'd be there and I'd try my best to be better. But in the end I ask myself, what is better? Losing my identity? Being someone I'm not? Making myself smile and laugh and be sweet when all I want is to really break down and have someone comfort me? Watching you say you'd walk away if I cried and yet telling you I didn't mind after that?
The reason I'm not myself when I'm with other people is because I don't want them to dislike me. Everyone wants to be loved right? Some just have a lower standard of the lengths they'd be willing to go through just to achieve that. I'm sarcastic, acidic and not cutesy(I have proof, just go ask my ex). I don't fit into the cute Asian girl category neither do I fit into the stunning, sultry goddess category. I'm just plain old me who hates using makeup and adores her jeans and natural hairstyle. I have nothing much to set me apart from other girls and as far as looking or acting cute is concerned, it's like what a best guy friend of mine once said when he saw me wearing a short skirt for the first time.
"Somehow cute just doesn't seem to be the right word to describe you."
So, yep I'm not cutesy. However I did realize my personality became the equivalent of a house cat during relationships. As much as I said I'd never change for anyone, after my most recent relationship, I realized I didn't know myself anymore. I felt lost. Where was that core that I had built myself around? Where were the promises and professions of forever? I know it will always be that way. There will always be broken promises. Life isn't always fair and not all fairytales have a happy ending. I won't say love is a lie. I'll just say you're a very good liar. And I am a fool to believe and fall for it. But no matter. The fact is, I lost myself. I changed who I was to fit into your mold of perfection and when things got rough and I tried to be myself, you changed too. The next person who tells me I'm perfect? I'm going to chop your head off. I hate the word now. So here's the warning to any future friends or boyfriends or whoever else who reads this, NEVER EVER USE THE WORD PERFECT WHEN TALKING TO OR REFERRING TO ME OR ANYTHING I'M ASSOCIATED WITH. You can use amazing, you can use awesome, heck you can even use awful. Any adjective but perfect. I am not and never will be perfect. And I accept that. Perfection is not achievable unless you're God.
If you're an atheist reading this, sorry for offending you, I don't mean to dispute your religion or lack thereof. I'm just ranting to get it off my mind. Writing about it always makes me feel better. I promise to try and not be a whiny ass in the next post. Thank you for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment