Monotony

These worn and weary days,
Of routine-like drudgery,
Coldness seeping in,
Unlike the seasons before,
Bring drumbeats of rain,
And endless echoing noises,
Of a mind driven to insanity,
Watered pages of notes,
Bringing their constant misery,
As always,
Just like grey days before,
Today brings another shade,
Of monotony.

~Rei Shiori

Break

Why is it always night where you are,
The only time you let yourself go,
In the fading lights,
That hide your so-called,
Imperfections,
Scars,
Bleed for me,
I want to know,
What you're like under,
The scabs and broken skin,
Whip marks,
Burnt hearts,
That eyeliner smudge,
I want to know,
If you're the person,
I still think you are,
Within,
Take off that leather and lace,
Come lie with me,
I want to see the veins,
Map their traceries,
Under your skin,
If only you will,
Please,
Let me in.

I promise I won't break anything.

~Rei Shiori

Telltale heart

Cemented, buried heart,
Do you continue to beat?
Don't betray me now,
The world doesn't need to know,
Who I am,
Who we are,
I'll keep you safe here,
Cushioned on lost feelings,
Cocooned in a jar.

~Rei Shiori

Not myself

Above all, be yourself,
Oh how I laugh, dear,
To see that from you,
Not because I mock you,
I know you as well,
As you know me,
Old friend,
We are not so different,
You and I,
Both hiding behind masks,
Layers of paper and words,
Endless dreams and rejections,
The countless hurts,
All life's little misadventures and misdirections,
They shelter us,
We, the ones who died,
And came back to life,
Only to lose ourselves in the process,
Of living and loving,
And still we look in the mirror,
Hating who we are,
Ever-changing,
Evolving,
Society's chameleons.

We will never be truly ourselves,
Tell me, truthfully,
Who is it who talks to me in your guise now?
I will not be who I am today tomorrow,
Forgive me,
I am not myself tonight,
Nor will I ever be.

~Rei Shiori

She asked me

She asked me,
If I thought she could fly,
And the words,
Normally so eloquent,
They died,
Why?
I could not answer,
As she stood,
On the precipice of disaster,
The chaos in my soul,
Was this a premonition,
Of what was to come after?
Black hair,
Black dress,
Black desires,
Blacker dreams,
I went to sleep with,
Her silent screams,
Echoing,
Echoing,
Echoing,
Every bloody night in my dreams.

~Rei Shiori

My words

I didn't know the words to say,
I'm sorry?
It didn't feel right,
Somehow,
You were always the one,
Who kept my secrets,
And held this darker side of me,
A little further away,
And yet,
I struggled,
Because love made you fragile,
And in the face of that,
Facade dropping,
I faded away,
What could I have said anyway?
My words,
Are useless in the face of pain.

~Rei Shiori

Webs

I couldn't help but watch,
Seeing you destroy yourself,
This twisted love of mine,
Such a warped web of lies and sin,
Like a black widow spider,
And you,
Lovely little moth,
Entwined within,
How could you ever get away?
I loved you enough to eat you,
Savour every bit of you,
The good,
The bad,
The innocence I tainted,
Can I taste you again and again?
Let me caress your flesh,
As you moan in pain.

~Rei Shiori

Love like poison ivy

Did it matter afterall,
That you stood alone,
In your quiet, unassuming strength,
Silent,
Hurting,
Yet proudly tall,
Did it matter afterall,
That you saw them walk away,
One by one,
Day by day,
What was it like to lose yourself,
And then lose it all,
What was it like,
Your shadowed self,
Behind closed doors,
And masks in which,
Your face was engulfed,
Like water over a drowning man's face.

When will you learn to breathe,
So you can whisper for help, little love?
When will you learn to see,
That the world is out to kill you,
With love like poison ivy.

~Rei Shiori

Loveless

In all the time we're alive,
We beg for love,
Entering this world,
Screaming for a scrap,
Of a place in someone,
Anyone's heart,
Live our days,
To what they,
He,
She,
Wants us to become,
"Good girl,"
"Good boy,"
When did we become prisoners,
Of our need,
To be loved,
Like a dog led on a leash,
We pant for it,
Eternally grasping,
Through the movies,
Songs,
Religions,
A deeper bond,
Than what we have,
Can we not simply exist,
In a stagnant pond of simply being,
Loveless.

~Rei Shiori

Battlefield

He stares dry-eyed,
Empty-eyed,
Hollowed out,
Stony-faced,
Shadowed,
The images stalk him,
Every face,
A blurred smudge,
A mirage,
Dream within dreams,
Does every night,
Have to be a battlefield for sanity?

~Rei Shiori

Unwrap

Remove,
These crinkled layers,
I threw on this morning,
And the jacket,
Like an afterthought,
Hood across my face,
Unveil,
Beneath,
All that is hidden,
From this rough and tumble world,
And see the treasure inside,
See the me,
The side I always hide,
Peel back,
These layers,
Sweater,
Shirt,
Underthings,
Lace and cotton,
Wool and linen,
See me,
See ME,
Unwrap the secret things,
I've hoarded away,
For the times never seemed right,
Please don't tear,
Apart this skin,
Layer within layer,
My fragility,
To which my body clings,
Unwrap me,
Gently.

~Rei Shiori

Chances

I think about all the chances missed,
Would I have become this,
Had we met,
Years before,
Weeks before,
Days before,
Hours before,
Does a second more or less,
Count in the balance,
Between internal peace or mess?
This recklessness within,
Would it have been tamed,
Had I met you earlier,
Would I have loved or hated all the same?
Or would we have passed,
Each other by,
Oblivious as always,
Like lines running perpendicular,
Intersecting but for one,
Fleeting moment,
And then lost in memory,
For all eternity,
Embedded as just a part of our history.

~Rei Shiori

Contemplation

Dark water,
Spiraling around me,
Swim,
They seem to say,
In the endless tiny whirlpools,
As my hair drip,
Drip,
Drip,
Drips,
Down the tiled floors,
I lay back and contemplate,
All the little miseries,
That led me to this,
Drowning myself,
In memories of my fate.

~Rei Shiori

A place only adults know

Let's sail away on paper boats,
Draw our hearts like we used to,
Doodled pages in red ink,
And black Xs and Os,
Let's forget our past,
And find again,
That child within,
But I think society killed mine,
So now I can never find,
That innocent peace,
Let my boat sink,
Death can sometimes,
Be a sweeter release,
Let me go where this black water flows,
A place only adults know.

~Rei Shiori

Still you come back

Still you come back,
In little snippets of memory,
That I know I should forget,
And I lie awake at night,
Thinking of him,
Suddenly you appear again,
Rewind my dreams,
Can I see the last of you now?
I don't want to head back,
To us and shards of you and me,
To the broken pieces,
Of what we used to be,
Give it up,
Don't come back,
Not in the night shadows,
Not in the dreams that capture,
And make me struggle as I sleep,
Don't swing low,
Underhanded as you were,
I think it's about time you let me go,
The futures that could have been,
I don't need to know,
Still you come back,
In echoes.

~Rei Shiori

Like dust

Bring me your painted lips,
Your lithe waist,
Scarred hips,
Let me touch you,
The way you want me to,
And we'll forget all the rules,
Shuck them like the clothes,
Remove the shame,
The same way you threw,
The memories too,
Touch me and watch me burn,
Watch me move,
And we'll learn,
From each other,
Shut out the lights,
The rules that bind tight,
Shut out the voices inside,
Tonight is just for us,
No need to ask,
Do as you will,
I will burn the whole night through,
Till your fingers sift through,
The ashes of me,
I'll settle on your skin,
Softly,
Gently,
Like dust.

~Rei Shiori

Slut

Everyone looks for that girl to bring home,
Purity,
Virginity,
Nothing unknown,
Dirty hands,
Stained hearts,
Do they not deserve love as well,
Without a backward glance,
You smile,
Yet condemn them,
To their personal hell,
Who are you to judge,
If I'm made right or wrong,
If my mistakes carve their story,
In my body,
And if I've given it all?
Would you accept me as I am?
If this was the truth,
Or would I become another one of "them",
If you can't forgive my past,
Perhaps it's a sign,
Maybe bridges need to burn,
Maybe memories need to fade,
Maybe we're not meant to last.

~Rei Shiori

Infinite masquerade

Welcome to the masquerade,
Where faces smile,
But hearts are dead,
Where princes and kings,
Hide toxic hearts,
And their ladies wield,
Their words like darts,
Dance with me,
Dance with me,
I promise I'll tear the veil,
Expose all this,
Glass facades,
Far behind the violin wails,
Shatter the fake memories,
But you cringe and I lick this sin,
I promise,
I promise,
But can you believe in me,
Through these cat-eye slits,
Through my masks,
My wings,
My eyes,
Shadowed things,
My feet velvet slippered paws,
No noise when I'm walking,
Hush, hush,
Close the curtained doors,
Let's just use these satin ropes,
I'm not done talking,
Let the lies flow,
Like crystals and champagne,
But what it's made off,
Oh we know, we know,
Blood red wine,
Now let my waist go,
And I'll dance real slow,
I promise,
I promise,
But things are not as they seem to be,
I'm sure you know,
Don't touch me so,
It burns and I don't want to be thrown,
Back into the light,
Give me back the night,
And this infinite masquerade,
Would you like a drink of me instead?

~Rei Shiori

I don't want to

I'm sorry.

I get scared when I think.

Because everyone till now has left.

Or I end up leaving when I realize it was all wrong from the start.

I don't want to play with you either.

In fact, I don't want to play at all.

But I'm afraid.

I don't want.

To be broken again.

Because you remind me so much of him.

And he was the one who hurt me most of all.

I don't want to go back to that time.

Please.

I don't want to feel again.

~Rei Shiori

Don't

Don't fall for me. Please don't. Because I can't bear to explain why I'm this way and I can't bear to see if you'll walk away after you know it all. All the late nights crying, don't let them be for nothing, I don't want to drag you down with me even if it kills me to walk away and smile like I knew nothing.

Don't fall for me because I'm lonely, I'm hurt, I'm tired and I need you. I need you but I will push you away because I'm never good enough. I can pretend, I can try but I'm never good enough. And in the end you will see that, and you will leave me more broken than when you found me if you're like the rest of them.

Don't fall for me because I can't always be perfect. I will snap at you, I will get mad at you for small things, I will be depressed and you will see me crying and not letting you near me. If you can't stand that, then don't. I'm not pretending to get attention, I will really break down as I have before. And if you stay with me, you will witness it time and time again. I don't want to break you too. One damaged person is too many.

Don't fall for me, because you know what I expect and you know you will always be different from that list I have in my head. And if you read this and walk away, I will understand. I'm not easy to deal with and my dark days are always there threatening me.

Don't make me fall for you if you're only going to prolong the agony.Don't make me fall for you if you can't love me the way I need to be loved. Don't fall for me if you can't fight for me and you can't stay.

I can't afford to put up this mask anymore. The one they think is the happiest of all is the one with the most things to hide.

I'm at my limit today.

Perfection

What did I do to you,
That you view me this way,
I'm no longer that,
Pure little girl,
I once was,
I threw it all away,
You don't see,
How can you,
When I'm afraid to reveal,
All the demons inside,
Would you still think,
Perfection can be real?

~Rei Shiori

Don't get addicted

Don't get too addicted,
To something that can never be,
When it leaves,
It leaves you broken,
With wounds that scar over,
Or remain raw,
Unhealed.

~Rei Shiori

Soooo....just a little warning a.k.a post-mortem of Relationship No. 4

A relationship is a very serious matter. As I grow older and hopefully am on my way to becoming more matured, I start to realize all the false starts I keep making when it comes to this issue. So I will try to change what I learned should be changed, and strengthen what should never have been broken down by the boys who I left and who left me in the first place. 

First of all, I’m like one of those cute puppies and kittens who will probably outgrow their cuteness with time but I will maintain my loyalty to you as long as I still respect and love you. One day, you will turn to me and realize that this girl is no longer that same sweet, constantly carefree creature you met. I will have bad days, and boy will they be like hell on earth for you. I’ll admit that much. My mood swings can rival a rollercoaster on some days and yes it is my fault. But just like those cute puppies and kittens, give me a chance and understand that we’re both going to go through a lot in life and with each other. Also please understand that there's always, always and underlying factor as to why I'm behaving the way I do (hint: I'm fine doesn't always really mean I'm fine, it's more like you're so going to pay for this somewhere down the line but I won't tell you just yet because I'm evil). I’ll change, you’ll change. Everything as we know it will be different hours, days and if we’re lucky (or not) years from now. But hey, that’s the risk in this isn’t it? 

When you date me, know this: I will never change my religion, or that of my future children for you or your family, selfish as it may sound. I will change my name, my work, my home even, but ask me to give that up and you’re picking a fight you cannot win. It’s either you lose that idea or you lose ‘us’. I will not ask you to give up yours either. Compromise, I’m a child born to parents with different religions and I can tell you I’ll tolerate almost any religion and even come to love it. But I will never NEVER change mine and my children will definitely be Catholics. So yeah, even as a warning to anyone who (fortunately or unfortunately) may try to date me in the future, please don’t even try to get me to change my mind, you’re just looking for hell. 

I’ve been through a lot as well, but I wouldn’t say it was anything major. Compared to the other problems in the world, mine probably rates as 3 out of 10 in terms of being life-changing. The worst is that I’ve been depressed; down so low I’d hurt myself to remind me I’m alive and degrading myself so much I starved myself to make me into what people call pretty. I will always have anxiety attacks, be paranoid for no reason and occasionally even cry at the slightest thing. But on the days I’m sunny, I’ll be that chirpy that you might eventually wish I’d shut up. And I will love with all my heart just because I’m passionate and that’s the way I am.

I’ll love every furry animal I can get my hands on, especially if it’s a cat or dog. Or just about anything fluffy. So if you hate animals or cats or dogs in particular, don’t tell me. Just back away slowly and no one gets hurt. I will not tolerate and comments on killing an animal even if it’s a joke. I’ve had someone who thought it was funny to say such things. Needless to say, I was and still am pissed at such a brainless twat and wondering how I could’ve withstood that for so long. 

Disagree with me if you must, heck, disagree with me if I’m wrong and even if I put up a fight because sometimes I’m too blind to see I’m wrong. But if I’m right and you argue with me just for the sake of your ego, if you put me or my friends down to make yourself seem better then disguise your words as ‘honesty’ I have a few choice words for you. Go to hell. I won’t take shit from guys like that anymore and that’s that. You have your pride, but I have my dignity. 

Oh and my friends? They’re on the same rank as you are and you best remember that because while I might run the risk of losing a boyfriend, my friends tend to stick around and support me even during those times my exes would’ve turned tail and run. Also they don’t judge me as several exes have constantly done over the years. Get along with them, it’ll be good for both of us but more so because we’re like this: we always support our own. Call it pack mentality if you will, but I call it friendship.

Last but not least, if you decide to insult me, take a mirror and wait your turn, buddy. I ain’t got time for that.

Tick tock

Tick tock,
Tick tock,
Till the time is right,
Unsure if it's a time bomb,
Or a clock that signals,
The end of my life,
These three words,
Will I smile or cry?
Too soon,
Too fast,
I can't decide.

~Rei Shiori

Not the right one

Not the right one,
Not the right one,
The words keep echoing in my head,
I back away,
I try to hide,
But what's this feeling,
Ominous dread,
It gnaws inside,
Walk the wrong path,
Take the wrong turn,
From rose bushes,
To a stake,
Burned,
I clutch the memories,
But they bite,
I wipe the tears,
Yet they pour inside,
Still it echoes in my head,
Not the right one,
You'll bleed again.

~Rei Shiori

Another season?

If I told you I loved you,
I wonder what you'd say,
Possibilities,
Endless as always,
And I wonder why,
If it will last this way,
For all my days,
Or are you another season,
I can only chase.

~Rei Shiori

Because you make me feel

Do you know how happy you make me feel when you say you'll miss me?
Still I wonder if you say that to all your friends as well,
What's taking so long for you to see,
I never expected this,
But then it's hard,
For me to sleep,
Easy.

Because you make me feel.


~Rei Shiori

I have returned

I thought I'd miss you,
Really,
In the days that followed,
Hollow-eyed,
I remembered you,
And all that transpired,
Between this year and the last,
I stopped being,
For a while,
I let you get the better of me,
I became yet another victim,
Self-blaming,
Hurting,
A whinging child,
And then one day I woke up,
Realized the cage was gone,
Then I flew alone,
Out to the skies I missed once,
I have returned.

~Rei Shiori

The quiet storm

Within me,
The quiet storm continues,
Tonight,
As every other night before,
I rage within,
A fortress of pillows,
And fearful thoughts,
Angry memories,
And sad emotional feelings,
The quiet storm,
Will not blow over,
Do not let me drown.

~Rei Shiori

After all this time

Isn't it funny,
The way we end up,
Here again,
The crossroads we run into,
Time after time,
I keep raveling the threads,
But they just keep on going,
Unwind,
And I can't keep track anymore,
Lost my dignity,
My innocence,
My mind,
How do I keep on going this way,
Pretending it's all fine,
No, I don't miss you, dear,
I just miss the memories we left behind,
Get behind me,
Fragments of a long gone past,
I'd crush you like the paper in my hand,
The written notes,
I'd thought you were the man,
But I was wrong again,
Wronged again this time,
After all this time.

~Rei Shiori

The cold

It was colder,
And somehow it didn't matter,
The layers getting thinner,
Even as everyone shivered,
I wondered why it affected them,
Not me,
And then I remembered,
It was the reasons best forgotten,
I slept alone now,
The cold my only companion.

~Rei Shiori

Awkward hellos and goodbyes

It's midnight,
I'm feeling down,
Didn't want to fall so hard,
But it's too late,
I'm already on the ground,
I won't take it back,
And say we were wrong,
Time was a bitch,
And I just couldn't be strong,
They say love makes no excuses,
And it's either find a way,
Or it's all a lie,
But what if I told you,
I'm only human,
I'm only human,
And I too will drown,
In the tears I cry,
So it's too late now,
When all that's left,
Are awkward hellos and goodbyes.

~Rei Shiori

My guilt

I stared at the chocolates in their tiny little blue and silver foil wrappers. Four of them outlined in startling cobalt blue with tiny paper ribbons waving out their pointed tops. Kisses. The irony of their brand hit me and I didn’t know if I should cry or laugh. Four to signify every boy I’d loved and lost. Every heart that had taken a piece of me when they left. I bet my friend never thought that this small gift would represent my love life a few days down the road.

 I could not bring myself to say it then. But oh God, I loved them all in their own time. I loved them so fiercely that when the love died, I felt the chill of their loss for years to come. Like a fire that burnt itself out, it would try to hang on in the dying embers and finally die, grey and cold. At night, alone, I still cried for them. Or perhaps it was not for them but for the parts of me I would never be able to retrieve. The broken, lost pieces that each took with them when they said goodbye or gave that last awkward hug that said “This is weird”.

People used to ask me “Are you ok?” but I didn’t know what to say, so I said I was fine. I lied. Four times multiplied by the number of people who cared enough to ask but in their concern, wounded me even more. Unknowingly done. But still the pain was there. Every time they asked, I was reminded of the person I had been and the memories I had had. 

Did I miss the ones I used to love? Or the memory of them? I could not be sure. It was never easy. For days I might choose to starve myself and write. Endless pieces of writing that were never good enough to fill the spaces left behind. Endless gnawing moments of hunger…for what? Many things, I suppose. Physically, food but other than that, a tormented hunger of thoughts that raged between moments of missing the one I lost to encouraging myself to think that I had made the right choice to walk away or be walked away from. 

Ultimately, they would sink into that same old thought. It’s all your own fault. One barely thinks when one is in pain. Especially when it’s a pain that can’t be so easily remedied. Especially if it’s pain that is self-inflicted. You chose it, I tell myself. Somehow, accepting the guilt doesn’t make it go away.

~Rei Shiori

P.S. This post was supposed to be posted up on Wednesday but I couldn't bring myself to do it because it meant really saying goodbye. For those who do not know yet and there are bound to be questions from you guys, yes, I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year+ and I feel the stupidity of what I did. This post is for you. You know who you are.

I bow to no man

Let me cry my tears upon your skin,
Let it burn you,
From all this bitterness,
I still hold within,
My fires,
They grow and smoulder,
At your invasion,
They flare even bolder,
When will you learn,
When will you learn,
I bow to no man,
Nor any of his kin.

~Rei Shiori

Love's a piece of meat

It's not worth it,
I make those same faces at you,
Those same smiles,
But can you tell?
It's getting harder to lie,
It doesn't feel the same anymore,
How can I say,
I love you,
Every night,
When I know better,
How can I tell you I just can't stand it,
When you speak anymore,
It hangs over me,
This cloud,
It's like I'm already being,
Unfaithful,
Temptation ever abounds,
And I know I shouldn't,
But what can I do,
Love's a piece of meat,
Torn between two hounds.

~Rei Shiori

Storm walk

Strangely,
I never thought of you,
Or anyone for that matter,
When the water hit my face,
And the cold washed every,
Other thought away,
I did not think of you,
I thought of the beauty of the storm,
I was making my way through.

~Rei Shiori

It's been a month...

To be honest, I haven't actually felt the need to write here in a very long time. It's been months since I have actually felt that need and although I do feel bad about not posting, I'm happy because I can finally be happy without having to rely on writing out my feelings night after night through prose I can never speak during the day.

It's been more than a month now that I am actually happy almost every day.

That in itself is a miracle to me.

Looking back on my life, it's been 21 short years but that's probably almost a quarter or more than the actual lifespan I will ever have.

I'm happy to have met the people I have in my life now.

In just a few days, my perception of people and experiences have changed so drastically.
Come to think of it, I've actually come to believe I can belong somewhere.
The irony of life, I travel more than a hundred miles to find my home among people who were once strangers.
Strangers have become friends.
Friends have become family.
Not to say I don't appreciate my real family, but I am so very happy here where I am now.
Despite the stress, the workload, the hormones and the occasional shitty person, life is beautiful.

I wake up with a purpose.
I wake up because I WANT TO.
I haven't felt that in a long long time.

My ex finally unfriended me on Facebook and to be honest, I don't quite give a damn. In fact, I'm actually pretty happy about it and wondering why it took so long. My baggage is gone.
Another ex and I have finally had the closure we needed so long ago. Thank you for trying to fix what was so broken before, but I have forgiven a long time ago. I don't hate anymore. It's ok. We're ok.

The one I love cares for me, and I feel the same. Silence is no longer the awkward thing it once was in previous relationships. I understand, you understand. No words needed. Just know I love you, no matter what I may be feeling at that moment. I love you. Remember that.

My friends have changed but not been replaced. I love them all the same. I just happen to have more love going around now than before. Thank you to all of you who have made me feel I have somewhere I belong. Thank you for your expressions, for your humour, for the acceptance. Thank you for being there. For all the late night talks, the crazy walks, the messages I didn't expect to receive when I wasn't feeling well, the secret giggles we share, the parcels packed with so much care. I needed you all and I found you guys there. For that, I will always be grateful and no matter how far we will be someday, I will look back on these days and smile. Even as I write this, I'm actually tearing up with how happy I am. When I remember, I hope you remember me too someday down the road. Thank you for not leaving my side when I was being ostracized by people who hate me. You made me believe that not everyone is as bad as I thought they would always be.
Just remember I'll be there for you guys too when you may need me one day.
Lord, I'm such a sentimental sop today. But I'm thankful I have something to be sentimental about.

To everyone, you guys make my life wonderful. Thank you thank you thank you.

Apologies!!

Haven't been posting much but there will be a shitload of stuff later =^3^= Waiting for the first 'free' weekend I'll be having this month.

We will not forget...

I looked for you among the waves,
You were not there,
I saw your reflection in the sky,
But you were not there,
Until this tear reaches the bottom,
Of where you are,
I will not forget,
Neither will the world.


~Rei Shiori

Fall apart

Will you still love me when I fall apart?

When my head’s all fragmented,

My shoes higher than my heart,

When I drop to the ground,

But it isn’t to a beat,

When I’m fainting now,

Touch the pavements,

Will you be there,

To stop me when I bleed?

I’m all fucked up inside,

So blind I can’t see,

Hold my hand for me please?

Before I walk into the traffic.

I couldn't find the words...

The awkwardness we felt,
Me sitting next to you,
I didn't know what to say,
Not anymore,
Maybe you would not find me,
Interesting,
I never knew,
What made that nervousness come over me,
Even when you were there,
But not there,
I just couldn't find the words to speak,
Up till that day,
When I said goodbye,
I couldn't tell you I loved you,
Why?
I don't know,
But goodbye came easily enough,
Along with tears as I looked at you,
Through the glass,
Goodbye,
Goodbye,
Goodbye,
Still it never seemed enough,
Because I could not find the words to tell you,
I loved you,
Until after you left,
And I was all alone in my room.

~Rei Shiori

Frozen words

I wanted to write,
But the words,
They,
Froze in my thought,
And like birds caught in winter,
Died.

~Rei Shiori

Love honestly?

To be honest,
I'm not sure what you love,
About me,
Sometimes some actions,
Border on the perverseness,
I often see more,
In a brothel,
Than the bedrooms of couples,
Society deems 'sweet',
So tell me again,
That you honestly,
Respectfully,
Love me,
While you hold my hands,
Instead of other parts,
Which I understand,
To signify lust,
More than the love,
I hoped for from a man.


~Rei Shiori

So tired

Uninterrupted I write,
No, that's wrong,
I type,
Trying not to let go,
Of emotions that struggle,
I misplace them,
Just so,
 I can sleep again tonight,
And I wonder why I do this,
I'm sure I've,
Needed therapy long before,
But my creativity,
It's running dryer,
Than my eyes,
I'm getting so tired.

~Rei Shiori

Off the radar

The intensity of that stare,
And the pleading that,
Ever grows louder,
Please don't let their names be there,
Scanning the list,
Checking more than once or twice,
Disbelief turns to fear,
And then develops into,
Hysterical cries,
What can we do now?
Where are the lost?
See terror in the eyes,
Of those who fear them,
Carelessness cost,
But wait there's a glimmer,
Then suddenly not,
Incompetence abound,
But still some things disappear,
Like the hush hush atmosphere,
Suspicion taints every news report here,
And we continue,
In the dark,
Of the plane that flew,
Till off the radar,
Disappeared its mark.

~Rei Shiori

Sleeping dead

I woke up shivering,
Your hands,
Gripped in mine,
Were cold and unfeeling,
I leaned over to catch you,
Before you leave,
Too late too late,
The veins no longer bleed,
As free,
As when the knife left that cut,
On one of your wrists,
That were entwined with me.

~Rei Shiori

So sorry!!!!!

My apologies for not posting for so long but please bear with me. Going through some very stressful times lately and hopefully will be all blown over by Tuesday (11th March). Gomenasai!!! >3<

Sometimes I love you

Sometimes I love you,
I wonder why,
I cannot seem to explain it,
In the quiet times,
When I am half asleep,
And the question comes to mind,
I cannot remember why,
But sometimes I love you.

~Rei Shiori

Things that harm

She pulled the wool over my eyes,
Crossed the knots,
Told me lies,
I believed her,
But they were a witch's charms,
I loved her,
But she only ever thought,
Of things that harm.

~Rei Shiori

Crossroads

At the crossroads,
Here again,
Of my own volition,
I wonder if,
My decisions have changed,
Since the day,
That first footprint,
Printed on the,
Ashes of memories before,
I became who I am,
Let me choose again,
This path I will take.

~Rei Shiori

Parallel lines

In the echoes of this broken friendship,
We learn where we belong,
On two sides,
Of an empty chasm,
Parallel lines that will never meet,
Is it a sad story?
Maybe maybe,
But not for me.

~Rei Shiori

Disgust

Your temperamental moods,
And childish fantasies,
That make believe world of yours,
I despise it.

~Rei Shiori

King of the sandcastle

What am I to you,
This endless loop of,
Running round,
Playing pretend,
King of the hill,
But it's so sad,
You don't realize,
Your castle's made of sand,
Does the saltwater hurt,
When they touch your wounds,
As you continue to,
Bleed yourself dry,
Of the lies,
You feed yourself,
To keep alive?

~Rei Shiori

Toxic jester

It's not as if,
I didn't know,
All,
Your little lies,
And endless escapades,
That your so proudly proclaim,
For anyone who would listen,
It's not as if,
I didn't know,
That darker side of you,
Yes,
That one you always hide,
And you,
Court jester as always,
Are a liar,
Your smiles hide poison truths.

~Rei Shiori

Jackass friend

I always told you,
I'd understand,
But you walked away,
For reasons,
I still don't know,
And probably won't comprehend,
What is it this time?
Weren't you always happy?
Maybe we went overboard,
But that was more on your part,
Than on mine, you see,
I don't get why you return,
To that existence,
The way you do,
I'm tired to be honest,
Not of the friendship,
But of your attitude.

~Rei Shiori

Touch me before I die

Touch,
If it will erase,
All the pain,
And tortured memories,
Of this hell,
And poison-laced,
Thoughts of death,
Then touch me,
Because I cannot see,
Anything other than,
This cup of hemlock,
Shimmering before me.

~Rei Shiori

Deadlines

Being harried,
The endless rushing,
Blood to my brain,
Amplifying the pounding,
Increasing the strain,
Countless worries,
Problems abound,
I want to rest,
But these things,
Won't let me lie down!

~Rei Shiori

When you disappeared

I thought you'd never go away,
Always being by my side,
As I slept,
In the shadows of your back,
Warm against you,
While outside it rained,
Cold,
But I woke up at dawn,
And you weren't there today,
Gone,
Where?
I can't remember,
Above the sound of my own pain.

~Rei Shiori

When I'm doing assignments =.="

Are we entering the lion's den?
I don't remember much,
My eyes blinded,
Full of sand,
Tears and blood,
I feel the grit of them,
Running on my skin,
How long more till,
This torture ends?

~Rei Shiori

Separated sisters

Is there a time when I,
Didn't know you?
Palm to palm,
We were mirrors,
Closer knit than sisters,
You were my shadow,
Across the coolness,
Of this veil between us.

~Rei Shiori

Waiting fear

Daybreak,
We sit quietly,
Gnawing,
On the insides of our cheeks,
And lips that bleed raw,
Will it come to pass?
What we fear?
Nothing we can do,
Wait,
Till nightfall comes,
Intimately.

~Rei Shiori

Bird talk

If your wings were so small,
What would you do?
You cannot fly,
So what do you do,
With a caged bird's life?

~Rei Shiori

The girl he bought - Part 2

The cutting began when she was twelve. Hiding behind the curtains, she would slip the penknife from her jeans pocket and press it. Once. Twice. Each time harder than the last. And the tears would fall hot and fast. They would sting the cuts just like she knew they would. It was a habit. 

Gradually people came to realise that the lines weren’t accidents. She had to change her playground. That was the reason why she never wore short skirts. People would see. People would talk. But it took her years to figure out that no matter what she did or where she went, people would find out about her past. People would still talk. Ann-Laurie’s daughter. The one that was sold to a man three times her age in exchange for drugs. She cursed her looks and broke the mirrors. But after they sent her for psychiatric help, she found another way to vent her pain without drawing attention. Nobody knew any better. 

She tortured herself with the images, those rough hands on her, that weight that dragged her down, body and soul. She knew she’d be tainted forever from his actions. From the action of her bitch of a mother. She cursed her in her heart, and when she wearied of that blood-red anger pulsing through her filthy blood, she gave up and let the tears come as they had the first time he took her. 

Bought. The embarrassment of it all, the shame, and to think it was all over the papers. Small town, everyone knew. Ann-Laurie’s daughter. She would never be able to run away from it all. Someone would inevitably come from somewhere in her dark past and ruin it all for her. They’d meet her in the diner, the mall, the street, all while she would be holding on to the pieces of a life that seemed too good to be true, and they’d shatter it all. 

Just. 

Like. 

That. 

She had lost more than five boyfriends that way and countless friends, changed jobs and cities and still it hounded her. There just had to be one accursed nosy neighbour who knew. And the threatening clouds would always come. She breathed a sigh as she watched Matt sleep. Eventually he would find out all of the truth. They always do.

~Rei Shiori