Sunday, 27 April 2014

My guilt

I stared at the chocolates in their tiny little blue and silver foil wrappers. Four of them outlined in startling cobalt blue with tiny paper ribbons waving out their pointed tops. Kisses. The irony of their brand hit me and I didn’t know if I should cry or laugh. Four to signify every boy I’d loved and lost. Every heart that had taken a piece of me when they left. I bet my friend never thought that this small gift would represent my love life a few days down the road.

 I could not bring myself to say it then. But oh God, I loved them all in their own time. I loved them so fiercely that when the love died, I felt the chill of their loss for years to come. Like a fire that burnt itself out, it would try to hang on in the dying embers and finally die, grey and cold. At night, alone, I still cried for them. Or perhaps it was not for them but for the parts of me I would never be able to retrieve. The broken, lost pieces that each took with them when they said goodbye or gave that last awkward hug that said “This is weird”.

People used to ask me “Are you ok?” but I didn’t know what to say, so I said I was fine. I lied. Four times multiplied by the number of people who cared enough to ask but in their concern, wounded me even more. Unknowingly done. But still the pain was there. Every time they asked, I was reminded of the person I had been and the memories I had had. 

Did I miss the ones I used to love? Or the memory of them? I could not be sure. It was never easy. For days I might choose to starve myself and write. Endless pieces of writing that were never good enough to fill the spaces left behind. Endless gnawing moments of hunger…for what? Many things, I suppose. Physically, food but other than that, a tormented hunger of thoughts that raged between moments of missing the one I lost to encouraging myself to think that I had made the right choice to walk away or be walked away from. 

Ultimately, they would sink into that same old thought. It’s all your own fault. One barely thinks when one is in pain. Especially when it’s a pain that can’t be so easily remedied. Especially if it’s pain that is self-inflicted. You chose it, I tell myself. Somehow, accepting the guilt doesn’t make it go away.

~Rei Shiori

P.S. This post was supposed to be posted up on Wednesday but I couldn't bring myself to do it because it meant really saying goodbye. For those who do not know yet and there are bound to be questions from you guys, yes, I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year+ and I feel the stupidity of what I did. This post is for you. You know who you are.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

I bow to no man

Let me cry my tears upon your skin,
Let it burn you,
From all this bitterness,
I still hold within,
My fires,
They grow and smoulder,
At your invasion,
They flare even bolder,
When will you learn,
When will you learn,
I bow to no man,
Nor any of his kin.

~Rei Shiori

Monday, 14 April 2014

Love's a piece of meat

It's not worth it,
I make those same faces at you,
Those same smiles,
But can you tell?
It's getting harder to lie,
It doesn't feel the same anymore,
How can I say,
I love you,
Every night,
When I know better,
How can I tell you I just can't stand it,
When you speak anymore,
It hangs over me,
This cloud,
It's like I'm already being,
Temptation ever abounds,
And I know I shouldn't,
But what can I do,
Love's a piece of meat,
Torn between two hounds.

~Rei Shiori

Monday, 7 April 2014

Storm walk

I never thought of you,
Or anyone for that matter,
When the water hit my face,
And the cold washed every,
Other thought away,
I did not think of you,
I thought of the beauty of the storm,
I was making my way through.

~Rei Shiori

Saturday, 5 April 2014

It's been a month...

To be honest, I haven't actually felt the need to write here in a very long time. It's been months since I have actually felt that need and although I do feel bad about not posting, I'm happy because I can finally be happy without having to rely on writing out my feelings night after night through prose I can never speak during the day.

It's been more than a month now that I am actually happy almost every day.

That in itself is a miracle to me.

Looking back on my life, it's been 21 short years but that's probably almost a quarter or more than the actual lifespan I will ever have.

I'm happy to have met the people I have in my life now.

In just a few days, my perception of people and experiences have changed so drastically.
Come to think of it, I've actually come to believe I can belong somewhere.
The irony of life, I travel more than a hundred miles to find my home among people who were once strangers.
Strangers have become friends.
Friends have become family.
Not to say I don't appreciate my real family, but I am so very happy here where I am now.
Despite the stress, the workload, the hormones and the occasional shitty person, life is beautiful.

I wake up with a purpose.
I wake up because I WANT TO.
I haven't felt that in a long long time.

My ex finally unfriended me on Facebook and to be honest, I don't quite give a damn. In fact, I'm actually pretty happy about it and wondering why it took so long. My baggage is gone.
Another ex and I have finally had the closure we needed so long ago. Thank you for trying to fix what was so broken before, but I have forgiven a long time ago. I don't hate anymore. It's ok. We're ok.

The one I love cares for me, and I feel the same. Silence is no longer the awkward thing it once was in previous relationships. I understand, you understand. No words needed. Just know I love you, no matter what I may be feeling at that moment. I love you. Remember that.

My friends have changed but not been replaced. I love them all the same. I just happen to have more love going around now than before. Thank you to all of you who have made me feel I have somewhere I belong. Thank you for your expressions, for your humour, for the acceptance. Thank you for being there. For all the late night talks, the crazy walks, the messages I didn't expect to receive when I wasn't feeling well, the secret giggles we share, the parcels packed with so much care. I needed you all and I found you guys there. For that, I will always be grateful and no matter how far we will be someday, I will look back on these days and smile. Even as I write this, I'm actually tearing up with how happy I am. When I remember, I hope you remember me too someday down the road. Thank you for not leaving my side when I was being ostracized by people who hate me. You made me believe that not everyone is as bad as I thought they would always be.
Just remember I'll be there for you guys too when you may need me one day.
Lord, I'm such a sentimental sop today. But I'm thankful I have something to be sentimental about.

To everyone, you guys make my life wonderful. Thank you thank you thank you.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014


Haven't been posting much but there will be a shitload of stuff later =^3^= Waiting for the first 'free' weekend I'll be having this month.