Lies

Does he ever tell you you’re perfect?

That his world revolves around one thing only,

To give you all the love and respect,

Owed to someone as amazing as you?

I remember,

All the gilt edged lies,

How could I forget?

When the honeyed dreams were once,

All I had,

And needed,

Like a plant growing,

Yet withered,

We faded away to nothing,

Past remembering,

Past caring,

We moved on,

I know I did,

Even if it took far too long,

I’m here today,

Tearing up the notes you left me,

And emptying the words out of my head

I look at her face and shudder,

Because she’s the one who replaced me,

No matter how many lies you have fed her,

It will be the same,

Eventually,

It will come to that.

~Rei Shiori

Regrets

Hollow silence,
Resounding with dread,
In my head,
It beats a steady echo,
Like a heart,
That is close to being dead,
By some mystery still remains,
To keep it pounding,
Yearning,
Aching,
For something lost,
And the choices made,
That gave way to regrets,
That cannot be said.

~Rei Shiori

Who we are

If tonight is to be the last,
Let me give you one final kiss,
Just to say goodbye,
As our tears fall,
Drifting to the pillowcase,
Like diamonds to silk,
I wonder if we made the right choices,
And what led us this far,
To the night where we saw the stars,
In each others' eyes,
Not the night sky,
Shut out by heavy drapes,
Bound by the hatred for light,
Where we lost sight of what was made right,
For us by people long before our birth,
To defy would be to slip beyond the lines,
Of the stigmas of our lives,
And create a sin beyond,
What we are and who we are.

~Rei Shiori

Halcyon days

Time to say goodbye,
For a little while,
The clouds obscure the moon,
That shone so bright on my life,
And I wave away,
The tears that threaten to fly,
Not forever I tell myself,
I'll be back soon enough,
Time will go by,
I wave to the world I know,
Smile at the memories,
Of me,
Of you,
Of our time,
Time to say goodbye,
It'll be but a while,
Our halcyon days are bound to come again.

~Rei Shiori

Gone

Now that it's gone,
I can be as bad as we said we'd never be,
When we were children,
The indecision,
Gone just like that,
Replaced by the guilt,
And the pain,
Funny things happen,
Because I'm fine this way,
Just being me,
No losing sleep,
Even if there's less of me now,
I don't seem to regret it anyhow,
And I wonder if all the lies you told me,
Were always going to be replaying in your identity,
Because I've broken the mould,
In your books,
Yes, I've sold my soul.

~Rei Shiori

Beast within

Taste of chocolate on your lips,
My mind is wandering,
Where it shouldn't be,
And that huskiness when you speak,
Drives me crazy,
Didn't you realize that already?
The way your nails,
Drag down my skin,
Red weals that fade,
To display the beast within.

~Rei Shiori

Brilliant red

I painted my heart's walls a solid grey,
That nothing could sink through,
And it would be strong enough to stay,
Constant,
Familiar,
The same as always,
And I never looked beyond the window panes,
Never saw the scarlet of the flowers blooming outside,
Never saw the cerulean blue of the skies,
That did not threaten to pour with rain,
Until you came,
And then it changed,
Gone the familiar,
Gone the constant,
Never again the usual things I did or said,
And on the wall it began,
As a splotch of colour,
Brilliant red on a background,
As solid as my life used to stay.

~Rei Shiori

My thoughts are killing me

My thoughts are killing me,
And people don't even notice,
The strangled voice that used to laugh,
Is gone,
Replaced with this paranoid fear,
And I am shaking in the dead of night,
Like some junkie who has missed a shot,
Blinded by my own lies,
From reality and my dream world,
I know not,
Makes no difference in the haze,
To me it is all the same shade of grey,
And I tremble,
Wrapping my arms around myself,
To keep from shattering myself apart,
I let go of what was once,
The tattered remains of my heart,
I grow smaller,
And smaller still,
Till I'm invisible to those who would call,
I fade out into the background noise,
Till you no longer notice me at all.

~Rei Shiori

Perhaps

Perhaps,
Perhaps,
It'll be better over time,
Everything was going to be alright,
You whispered to me,
That you were mine,
And I thought to myself,
Perhaps,
Perhaps,
It wouldn't be a lie,
Despite the way I was living,
The sins I was committing,
Even then I could not lie,
Could not cry,
For what I had lost,
For what had been mine,
Perhaps,
Perhaps,
The thought of it,
Blew away from my mind.

~Rei Shiori

Empty wall

The numbness spreads,
Even the tingling discomfort disappears,
And I wonder why,
When I look at you,
I feel nothing anymore,
No pain,
No joy,
No sorrow,
All it is now,
Is an empty wall.

~Rei Shiori

What have I done....

Wondering through the haze pain,
What am I doing?
What have I done?
In heaven's book,
Have I erased my name?
Wasn't meant to be this way,
Wasn't mean to be insane,
Here I am looking up at you,
A familiar stranger,
Yet here I feel nothing,
Emptiness that is so strange,
That I turn away.

~Rei Shiori

Heralds our sin

Let me go tonight,
We'll fly higher than these city lights,
And I'll know I can make it,
If I dared to try,
Let these wings do their job,
Take me higher than high,
You take my hand,
The rose you pressed in it,
It still smells like it should,
Only warmed by my skin,
Scarlet petals held within,
I wait for you to begin,
What we've been both awaiting,
The lights are reflecting,
It goes deeper than this,
I don't know yet,
What goes on beneath that blush,
That gives you that tint,
Only that I feel this drumming,
That heralds our sin.

~Rei Shiori

Trust & Betrayal

She used to be a cheerful maiden,
Full of Joy and never Graven,
Always believed the best in people,
Until the day her Trust was stolen.

A helping hand was morphed to Treason,
Next thing she knew, all was Forsaken,
Weary to battle a pointless War,
Retreat she did with a heavy heart.

Something in her changed that day,
The fair maiden was frayed on a sunny May,
Never did she trust again,
Learned her lesson the hard way.

Decades passed without a hitch,
All was forgiven,
All was forgotten,
But no mortal could unseal her Heart,
Poisoned with Mistrust and Doubt alike,
None could find the Antidote,
 Even before she had abandoned hope.


~Selene D.

Crave

I taste the sweat on your skin,
As we dance deeper within,
Into our shadowed minds,
That cross paths once,
Twice,
I wonder if it drives you mad,
As it does to me,
And I writhe in the ecstasy it brings,
Do you feel as I feel?
Does it make you you crave more?
I know it does to me,
As I smooth away the moisture,
On the planes of your back.

~Rei Shiori

Unlike you

There's so many things to get off my mind lately. I think my finals is just about the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all that. Indecision, the one that has been hounding me since I agreed to something hasn't fully left.

Imagine this, you get everything you want in a person with the exception of certain things. I know we can never have it all, but this is a little cruel to me. I can imagine some people calling me a hypocrite. I once said some things regarding people I would never date and yeah, here I am breaking all the rules again. That's rules. With an 's'. Plural. A lot of rules.

I cannot give this up. Not when there's a heart on the line, and one that is bigger and better than any of the rest I've ever seen. Not when I've been treated better than anyone has ever done for me. I realize how blessed I am when I look at him and my best friend. I'd be ungrateful if I didn't say thank you to God for the gift of you.

I was so wrong when I said all those things I did regarding physical attraction. I have never realized the error of what I've been doing. Someone once told me he changed everything about himself from physical to language-wise just because of me. That might have been one of his lies, but I don't think it's ever a good idea. Maybe it's better to let looks take a backseat and love. Really really love the person. Maybe. The future is still unwritten.

How far would you go for love? Would you disregard every other aspect other than the heart or the personality of the person? Because I find it hard. Admittedly, I'm not perfect. I'm no beauty queen either, but I still find it hard. Everyday I struggle not to say something that I know he cannot help. I try not to touch on that topic. I am so shallow. So very very shallow. And I hate myself for that. Every bloody time it slides to the tip of my tongue, I hate myself.

I can't deny I love him and everything he does for me. He may not be as good with words as the one before him. But isn't that why I like him? Words can twist and wrap around a broken heart, making it all look ok. Making everything look fine when it isn't. Making empty promises they can never keep. I've seen it all, and all I want is to be with somebody who doesn't make me feel like I'm walking a tightrope. I am afraid. Not of losing myself this time. He may not be as cute as the one before him, and yes ex, if you're reading this, I thought you were cute. In a society that thinks more of physical than emotional or personality-wise, you rated higher than he ever will. But guess what, in every thing else, he tops you. No, this isn't revenge. It's just me getting someone better than you.

Why do I love him?

I love the way he teases me to death, it kind of reminds me of my own parents and I know they're still sticking with each other despite everything.

I love the way he tells me he will never use me like you did. That lets me know he respects me enough. I can tell from the way he's straining to control himself, and he does it. 

I love the way he carries me away from the computer when he thinks I'm too obsessed with it. Because he knows I am and it isn't good to be up late doing the shit I do. And I like it, because it shows he wants to spend time with ME, not just texting and hiding behind the screen all the time. He wants to talk to me, to see me face-to-face. All of which I never got when I was with you. Guess who pushed me away when I wanted to resolve matters? Who hid all the problems till it was too late? Who told me he'd walk away when I cried? I know tears make guys uncomfortable, well most of them anyway, but awkward as it was, he was there when I was all choked up. When I was scared of what I'd done and the consequences. When I was confused, all he told me was it was going to work out and if it didn't, it'd be ok anyway. Things were meant to happen as they happened.

I love the way he knows my moods. When I'm angry. When I'm sad. When I'm PMS-ing and nothing seems alright with me. He sits through it. Not forgetting, I see him. EVERY DAY. That can't be easy. I know, hell I'm never easy to deal with. My temper is enough to scare the daylights out of anyone. But he does it. He's still here. I'm counting the days till he snaps at me. He has. Once. And that's good. Because I know inside all that is a human heart. Who loves and forgives. Not a robot. Not someone who just says "Let your will be done, never mind me." all the time. I'm sick of that. I want someone with a spine, someone who isn't afraid to say what he wants now. And he's all that and more.

I love the way he knows what he wants and isn't afraid to get it. If he wants my attention he gets it. Too forcefully sometimes but he never hurts me. Never. Not even emotionally.

I love the way he tries so hard to make me laugh all the time. God knows that's one of the worst tasks to undertake. I rarely laugh outside of my social circle which involves unmentionable jokes and stuff that shouldn't be here. He's not crass, but he makes me laugh. He makes me feel safe enough to let go and be myself, stupid and crazy as I am, bedhead, unwashed face and all.

I love how he doesn't give a crap about what anyone else thinks. I cannot do that, no matter how hard I try and I say I don't care. The slightest word sets me off. Yes, I'm a time bomb. And he isn't. Surprised? It works. We work. It's not easy when people tell me I'm with the wrong person and that he's so-and-so. It's hard when they tell me I'm going too fast. I just try to remind myself not to let things slip away.

I love it when he gets overprotective and jealous. It's actually cute. But he's not overly possessive like you. If I say so, it goes. He lets me be me. Even if sometimes the me is seriously idiotic and has not an ounce of common sense. He lets it go. Because he knows I hate being caged or controlled. You never realized, how much I hated it. Being happy all the time, not being able to be anything else. I don't have sunshine radiating out my ass like your girl. I can never be perfect. He knows. And if he cares, he hasn't mentioned it at all. I appreciate that.

I love how he doesn't know the whole story but just goes with the flow anyway. He knows about you. But he doesn't know the whole story. Not every detail. Eventually, I'll tell him. He will understand. He already knows how damaged I am inside. I haven't said anything about that to him. But he knows. He knows I am sad. And he knows I take time to accept things and to heal. He says it's ok. He'll just work at it until you're totally gone from my heart. What he doesn't realize is that if that happens, the bitterness goes away too. I smile when I'm with him. Just watching him sleep is enough to set me off. I watch and smile like an idiot.

I love it when he cares for me. He does more than sit at my bedside and hold my hand although I do love that. Who other than your parents would care enough to drop everything they're doing just to make sure you're alright? Who would walk with you just to make sure you're safe even though they can easily find other means of transport? Who would do anything for you, even if it means getting the laundry back for you from the cleaners because you're tired, as if he isn't? Who else? I'm blessed with more than what others have and more.

Tell me again, why is it wrong for me to love him? Why is it wrong to be in love now? Love doesn't take all the time in the world. You don't stare at a person forever and forget everything, it just means reworking your schedule to fit them in. Even if it's just small doses. Just a hi or a bye per day. SO WHAT? Who ever said we'd have to have all roses and sunshine? Who said it was supposed to be easy? Who said it had to take time? If it was really love, it would just happen. You don't forget you love someone over the span of a day without seeing them. Just a good morning text makes my day. Sometimes he forgets. Or I do. But I realize it doesn't really matter.  Sometimes things happen in between and there isn't enough time or memory space for something so small, but it's alright because he remembers me. And I remember us too.

I love the way he touches me. With respect. With hesitation. Gently. And with permission. Unlike you.

I remember everything. I rarely forget if someone walks into my life and changes it. Much less if they change me. Even less if they made me into someone I could barely recognize. Let's hope he'll be wiser than you too. I'm not holding my breath for anything because this time, this isn't going to be faked. This is real and I'm going to let it flow as it is.

Lost

What if they've got it all wrong?
Because the saints are dead,
And heaven is too far away,
We're too far gone,
I tremble when I'm touching you,
And die inside when I'm not,
What I really want is,
Lost,
Lost,
Lost,
And I don't know where to find it,
Crowded out by dreams behind it,
I woke to find that I'm alone,
And the concepts that I know now,
Are beyond what I control,
It's driving me insane,
Just to remember my name,
What I really want is lost.

~Rei Shiori

Right path

Wonder if I'm taking the right path,
Straying away,
Or following,
Down an unseen road,
Is this right?
Is this wrong?
I wonder as you touch me,
And make me shiver,
Despite the warmth.

~Rei Shiori

Will he...?

When darkness falls,
Will he be there?
Will he be the one,
To stroke your hair?
Will he hold you close,
Even as you fight,
To claw your way lose,
From the darkness inside?
Will he hum to you,
To make you forget,
The noises they make,
That drown everything else,
In your head?
And cradle your trembling form,
Whispering words,
That keep you warm,
And evaporate the tears,
That threaten to fall,
Eating away at who you are,
Making you forget all,
Will he be the one,
To catch you,
Before you hit the end,
Or will he let you go,
As they all did before?

~Rei Shiori

Nightmare replay

Aimless searching,
She wishes for the one,
Who will calm this turbulence,
Forever raging since she could remember,
And she is tortured,
Every night without his touch,
Smoothing away the worries,
The thoughts that pierce her,
And make her bleed,
Killing the dreams,
In her starry skies,
Filled with maybes and the future,
Dying as they shrivel and wilt,
Before her sleeping eyes,
She cannot continue,
It won't be long before they come for her,
And she is lost,
To the clutches of the nightmare,
Within her head,
That constantly replays,
As she lays alone in bed.

~Rei Shiori

Drowning in a sea of love

Swimming in a sea of love,
Still she is drowning,
Can't hold on to herself,
Her identity is slipping,
Flowing further out away from her reach,
And she's afraid,
Because the only land she feels,
Is the sand beneath her feet,
The water's closing in around her,
And she cannot breathe,
She cannot breathe,
She cannot breathe,
And all she's thinking,
As she's sinking,
How does one die of loneliness,
When surrounded by everything,
She thought she'd ever need.

~Rei Shiori

Red stains

Running red stains,
Down the clinical tiles,
Rushing blood,
Spilling through her veins,
The pain sharp,
Just for a little while,
And she rises to a new high,
While sinking deeper into the mire,
Ans she has so many things she wants,
But the lost is taking her higher,
Drifting on the bloody haze,
Of ecstasy and pain,
She wonders and wonders,
If life is the same,
All pain hidden with pleasure,
And scars covering wounds,
The years never make it better,
Deepening all that was once a wound,
Desire's the name,
Of the blade she uses on her skin,
And it cuts through more than it shows,
Tearing apart the soul within,
She cries,
Dripping tears on the tiles,
Now red and pink,
And remembers the songs and flowers,
Of the men she used to see,
Wilted, fading glories,
Of days gone by so fast,
Once she was perfect,
But we all know perfection never lasts,
She caresses the blade,
The one true friend she's known,
And makes the final cut swift,
And her last thoughts that she's thinking,
Even as her consciousness is sinking,
The world's a better place now that she's gone.

~Rei Shiori

In my sleep

Sweetly the strings singing,
Lull me into restless sleep,
Where I dream of you,
Taking wing,
And I cry out in my dreams,
Even as you still sing,
Tears dripping,
Dripping,
And your voice still ringing,
Ringing,
Driving me into oblivion,
Singing,
Even in my sleep I'm cringing.

~Rei Shiori

Ghosts

I have walked this road alone,
Too many times,
Accompanied by endless streams of ghosts,
That roam and call out to me,
Distracting me from the path,
That leads to what I know,
To be home,
And I try to forget them,
But they cling to me and cry,
The silent tears that fall unnoticed,
In the day time,
Yet the ones that burn me,
And my wide awake consciousness at night.

~Rei Shiori

No way out

The racket in my head,
Drives me a little closer to the edge,
Colours blurring,
Unfettered rage,
And you wonder how I stay sane?
Have you seen anything,
More to me than just my name?
I claw at the night,
Grasping shadows that block out the light,
And the distance,
Between me and madness,
Insanity that others embrace with gladness,
It grows shorter by the day,
Inching a little more,
And there is no way out.

~Rei Shiori

Trapped soul

She treads lightly,
Up and down the worn stairs,
Touching the dampness,
On walls that have hung,
With portraits of people,
Smiling brighter than the sun,
Empty, empty and so cold now,
Leans her forehead,
On the blank canvas of stone,
Feeling so torn now,
Because she knows,
Of the times,
Where everything was going right,
And the days were better than the nights,
And now she can't step out anymore,
Can't even leave through the door,
The moonlight her only friend,
Even as she tries to pretend,
That it isn't beyond her reach,
To talk, and laugh and breathe,
Watching them walk away,
The years strip her bare,
Here memories are the only things,
That remain,
In an empty house,
And an emptier heart,
She wants to leave,
But her soul is chained there,
Tied fast,
Stay she must.

~Rei Shiori

Puppy -> Dog

I remembered the day,
I carried you home,
Nestled in the crook of my arm,
Warm and soft,
Trusting,
Eyes of molten liquorice,
That radiated love,
The cold wetness of your nose,
As you cuddled a little closer,
To a surrogate mother,
That would be there for the years ahead,
For walks and baths,
And your naughty pee escapades,
How many years down the road have we come?
From a soft white pup,
To this handsome one,
Who looks at me,
With his head cocked as if listening,
Out of the litter,
You were my chosen one.

~Rei Shiori
 

Ash angels

Running back and forth,
Through the firestorm,
I wait,
And catch,
The tainted snowflakes,
In hands that are warmed,
In dust and dirt,
Smudged with cares,
Broken, bleeding, torn,
Yet still filled with wonder,
Even as I scrape together,
Bloodied ashes and form,
Crude angels on the ground,
That surround me,
Their shadowy wings outstretched,
To keep me from harm.

~Rei Shiori

Crossroads

In the fading light striking,
The weary, doubting heart,
Of one who is already shaking,
In indecision,
Swaying,
At the crossroads,
Of choices opening up,
Into chasms,
That promise eternal falling,
Or meadows from which,
A beloved's voice is calling.

~Rei Shiori

I love you

Your breath on my face,
Lingers,
Warmly whispering,
As I cuddle beneath the warmth,
Of your embrace,
Your arm around my shoulders,
Drawing me closer,
To a beating heart,
That constantly tells me,
I love you.

~Rei Shiori

Liquid crystal

Running water,
Down the window panes,
Making errant pathways,
Down the glass,
In sparkling trails,
That lead to nowhere,
I watch and breathe,
Misty haze,
Inhale the air,
That drips,
Of newborn life and liquid crystal.

~Rei Shiori

Be my....

Swimming strong against the current,
Reaching forth to hold your arms,
Be my shelter from this storm,
Be my safe haven,
Be my warmth,
Let yours be the shoulders,
That my tears fall upon,
I look to you and you smile at me,
As usual, your constancy,
Is the one that binds,
Yet sets me free,
You turn my face away from the sun,
Knowing I hate it,
For what it has done,
Turn my eyes to the darkness at night,
For this is the time where we,
Discovered what we'd done right.

~Rei Shiori

The rain came....

The rain came rushing in,
In little spurts and bursts,
Sliding across the tiled floors,
That liquid wetness,
Showing off the light,
In short, sharp glints,
Like miniature diamonds,
Reflecting the echoes,
In the absence of your smile.

~Rei Shiori

Turn away

Turn away,
I cannot bear to see your face,
Knowing that sometime,
Next year,
It is to be replaced,
By fuzzy grey shadows,
And darkened visages,
Of misty people,
With personalities of haze,
Turn away,
I do not,
Cannot live in the moment,
The future has always,
Been part of my nightly torment,
And to choose to leave so soon,
It does more than graze,
This already wounded heart.

~Rei Shiori

Anger

Anger comes slowly,
Simmering to the surface,
Like a furnace,
Beginning with embers,
And ending in flames,
Consuming all,
Leaving none behind.

~Rei Shiori