Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Comparison, thou art a pain in my behind.

I suppose everyone has compared themselves or something they own at one point or another. If you haven't, you're a saint or a millionaire. Or you have nothing to compare, which is sadder still. But when I thought about it, it makes sense. If we don't have something and we compare our situation to someone else who has it, we only make ourselves feel worse. I guess we just have to adapt and make the most of it.

Single? Enjoy your freedom. Mingle. Laugh. Love who you want. Flirt if you feel like it. In a relationship? Love your partner. Appreciate every kiss and hug. Cuddle when you can. Find comfort in each other and grow stronger. Either way, you can make the best out of it. I have been waiting for something that subconsciously I knew would never happen again and it stressed me out to the point that I cried even when sleeping. After receiving some news about the said 'something', I went numb. Then I felt happy. Happier than I've ever been in ages. No expectations. No more waiting. It was CERTAIN. Decided. Done with and over. I could, at last, move on and not compare my story to others who've had their happy ever after.

I didn't manage to enter uni as early as the rest of my college mates and at first I was really unhappy about it. But then I realized, I had more time to spend where I was and with my family here. So the conclusion is, I'll try to see the brighter side of things, no matter what happens. I've been through hell. I know it's going  to be ok someday.

360 degree feelings turnabout

I'll admit I'm a mushy romantic at heart and I love with a passion but seriously, I DON'T APPRECIATE PEOPLE WHO LEAD ME ON! BAKA! I'd call you a few other choice insults too but eh well, my blog is not meant for such crap-ass levels of people not worth talking about. So yeah, today hasn't been the best of days but I'll survive this just like everything else.

Ever heard that love is just a step away from hate and vice versa? I discovered that a few years ago with an unmentionable person. Now, I don't normally hate people but there's a certain type of person that I absolutely detest. Anyone hazard a guess? Yup. Offenders of the relationship kind. The cheaters, the liars, the third party people, the playboys and the lead-me-on-then-drop-me-like-a-hot-potato kind of people. Oh I do hate them. And that's how I got over certain people who chose to leave me. A coward, a liar and a Mr.Lead-Me-On. So much for third time's a charm eh? So today is Halloween and I've been replaced. Boo Hoo. NOT. On the contrary, I quite pity the person who near ruined my day. You don't know what I would've been willing to do for you. And you lost it. And I, am free to dislike you for being a coward. Nyehehehehe...oops...did I just use the word 'And' to start a sentence twice? Anyway...all the best to you out there. May the odds be in your favour. If you screw another girl's life up I hope the next one gives you hell. I may learn to dislike you after all despite saying I never would, Mr.Lead-Me-On. Bravo, you have royally pissed me off this time. I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that.

Life Lesson 1# Never mess with anyone's feelings. Even if they aren't yours, they're real.
Life Lesson 2# Don't promise things you will never fulfill.
Life Lesson 3# Karma will bite your ass. I want front row seats ok? Muahahahaha!

Lie to me and lead me on,
Get up and leave,
Yeah you didn't hear wrong,
Go on, go to hell,
I know I'm strong,
This time I'm bitter enough to stand alone.
~Rei Shiori

Abandoned, Replaced, Hurt...but I still care.

I realize that I change my mind a lot. Unpredictable as always, even to myself. When I first created this blog a few minutes (or hours, the net is slow, can you blame me?) ago, I thought to myself "Ok, I'm probably going to post about once a week maximum.". Well, I thought wrong. Anything's more interesting than working out maths questions that wring my brain dry. So here I am again. Posting. It's getting quite addictive I must say.

I was actually sifting through the millions of pictures and quotes that I'd saved when I came across this one. Made me a little sad after I'd read it. Why? Because I realized a long time ago that even if you care about someone, even if you miss them, even if you cry for them *cue 'Cry Me A River' here*, they may never acknowledge how you feel. They may not care. They may never reciprocate. And that hurts a lot. Knowing that someone you care about doesn't give a thought about you and couldn't really be bothered whether or not you kept in contact or whether you're even still alive or not. It's worse than a paper cut from your favourite book. Just's waaaayyy worse than any physical pain I've known.
Agree? I've once stalked someone I cared very much about on Facebook (don't worry it's not a habit, the stalking I mean) when I came across someone new that they were talking to. This new person did everything I used to when I was close to the person whose Facebook I was stalking was the closest person to me in the world next to my parents. Did that sentence even make sense? Sorry if it didn't, but the point is, it hurt when I felt like I was being replaced even though I still cared very much about the person involved. It didn't help that that particular person was never very open with his/her feelings and thoughts with me in the first place. So from drifting apart, it became a tearing. I will never know if it occurred to them that I was in pain from being abandoned/replaced, or that I was even fading out of their life at all. I just knew that it hurt a lot. In fact it hurt so much to know I was being replaced by this bubbly, super adorable, overflowing with cuteness and sunshine-out-my-ass person that my hands were shaking as I continued clicking through the cutesy comments and pictures. I didn't cry but it felt really bad, kind of like when someone punches you in the stomach and you can't breathe. I'm not one of the most easy-going people around. I'm actually pretty much everything that sunshine-out-my-ass person was not. I had been having bouts of depression on and off ever since entering high school and certain bitches added to my misery and distrust of mankind in general. I was bitter, angry and hot tempered in addition to being clingy, easily jealous and possessive. But not many people understood why I was that way, preferring to just dump me like a kitten in a trashcan when they felt that I was no longer what they thought I was initially. I never lied about who I am, I've never had a problem admitting that I have anger issues that even the slightest thing makes me fly off the handle. I'm trying to be a better person and I guess in a way I'm more mellow than I used to be. But it still doesn't help my relationships with certain people. They know who they are and I'm not pointing fingers because it's public and all. Some part of me wants to turn back time to when everything was beautiful to me and when I could tell myself that today, I will wake up and tell XXXX I love them or that I appreciate their friendship. But I can't. I'm only human. I can only pray. I can only hope that one day they'll realize they left me behind when all I really wanted was to have someone stick with me through everything and never let me go no matter what happened. I just never want to be alone. I just want someone who'll be willing to do exactly what I would've done for them.


A passage or segment taken from a longer work, such as a literary or musical composition, a document, or a film.
1. To select or use (a passage or segment from a longer work).
2. To select or use material from (a longer work).
-meaning taken from The Free Dictionary-
I find it rather fitting that the name of my first ever blog (yes I'm a novice/amateur at this, can you tell?) should be Excerpts of a Wandering Mind. Now before you start thinking I'm a raving lunatic due to the 'Wandering Mind' part of the name, I'll explain. I'm an avid daydreamer and I love to write. Unfortunately, most of the time my mind is wandering where it will and I end up with dozens of brilliant but fragmented ideas, jumbled chaotic mess of words and stories fighting to make their way onto paper. Hence the wandering mind part.

This is not a blog that will be filled with fancy pictures of food/makeup/pictures of a dolled up me or travels. This is my domain. This is the inside of my mind. Perhaps once in a while you'll find a post on anime or cats or a mad, rage-filled rant even. I will seem more than a little off my rocker sometimes when my moods are on a rollercoaster bigger than the ones in Disneyland. Don't expect anything too sparkly or girly because that's just not who I am.

Now on to introductions. Call me Rei. Or Ray. Whichever works. I value my privacy but still want to own a blog to scribble and rant on, hence the pseudonym. I love cats, poetry, crafting and dreaming. I'm on the verge of the end of birthdays starting with 1 and I can't wait to start all over again as an adult. I'm an only child and I enjoy it. I have a tendency of being random and not finishing what I started so fingers crossed I'll stick with this blog to the end. I'm fiercely loyal to the ones I love and I will fight for what I want. If I'm not too lazy. I love the rain except for when it leaks through the ceiling and onto my precious laptop. I'm unpredictable, moody and restless. 

That's all I can squeeze out of my exhausted brain for now and I will try to post as often as possible. And so I shall end with a little excerpt as a 'welcome to my blog' umm...present? Not quite the word I was looking for but it'll do. 

The darkness closed in about her in a silent, soft-feathered embrace and she willingly sank into it. No noise, no lights. No colours to blind her or sounds to deafen her. Just a vast emptiness. She felt safe and strangely warm. She felt at home in the solitude of her mind. Her physical body was a mere shell for this one impenetrable fortress built of dreams and thoughts. Beyond the body that shackled her, she never felt the tears or the cries of the people around her as she slipped deeper and deeper into herself. Never to return again.~Rei Shiori