Wednesday 31 October 2012

Abandoned, Replaced, Hurt...but I still care.


I realize that I change my mind a lot. Unpredictable as always, even to myself. When I first created this blog a few minutes (or hours, the net is slow, can you blame me?) ago, I thought to myself "Ok, I'm probably going to post about once a week maximum.". Well, I thought wrong. Anything's more interesting than working out maths questions that wring my brain dry. So here I am again. Posting. It's getting quite addictive I must say.

I was actually sifting through the millions of pictures and quotes that I'd saved when I came across this one. Made me a little sad after I'd read it. Why? Because I realized a long time ago that even if you care about someone, even if you miss them, even if you cry for them *cue 'Cry Me A River' here*, they may never acknowledge how you feel. They may not care. They may never reciprocate. And that hurts a lot. Knowing that someone you care about doesn't give a thought about you and couldn't really be bothered whether or not you kept in contact or whether you're even still alive or not. It's worse than a paper cut from your favourite book. Just kidding...it's waaaayyy worse than any physical pain I've known.
Agree? I've once stalked someone I cared very much about on Facebook (don't worry it's not a habit, the stalking I mean) when I came across someone new that they were talking to. This new person did everything I used to when I was close to the person whose Facebook I was stalking was the closest person to me in the world next to my parents. Did that sentence even make sense? Sorry if it didn't, but the point is, it hurt when I felt like I was being replaced even though I still cared very much about the person involved. It didn't help that that particular person was never very open with his/her feelings and thoughts with me in the first place. So from drifting apart, it became a tearing. I will never know if it occurred to them that I was in pain from being abandoned/replaced, or that I was even fading out of their life at all. I just knew that it hurt a lot. In fact it hurt so much to know I was being replaced by this bubbly, super adorable, overflowing with cuteness and sunshine-out-my-ass person that my hands were shaking as I continued clicking through the cutesy comments and pictures. I didn't cry but it felt really bad, kind of like when someone punches you in the stomach and you can't breathe. I'm not one of the most easy-going people around. I'm actually pretty much everything that sunshine-out-my-ass person was not. I had been having bouts of depression on and off ever since entering high school and certain bitches added to my misery and distrust of mankind in general. I was bitter, angry and hot tempered in addition to being clingy, easily jealous and possessive. But not many people understood why I was that way, preferring to just dump me like a kitten in a trashcan when they felt that I was no longer what they thought I was initially. I never lied about who I am, I've never had a problem admitting that I have anger issues that even the slightest thing makes me fly off the handle. I'm trying to be a better person and I guess in a way I'm more mellow than I used to be. But it still doesn't help my relationships with certain people. They know who they are and I'm not pointing fingers because it's public and all. Some part of me wants to turn back time to when everything was beautiful to me and when I could tell myself that today, I will wake up and tell XXXX I love them or that I appreciate their friendship. But I can't. I'm only human. I can only pray. I can only hope that one day they'll realize they left me behind when all I really wanted was to have someone stick with me through everything and never let me go no matter what happened. I just never want to be alone. I just want someone who'll be willing to do exactly what I would've done for them.

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