Tuesday, 15 December 2015


Did you just rip that off?
Band aid that,
Your skin's still soft,
Look at this,
All battle scarred,
Don't want to hurt you,
Don't want to leave no mark,
They say life's all breezy,
But I ain't got enough heart,
Left to set free,
Run away angel,
While you can,
See these scars all down my hands?
Bite them,
Scratch them,
Don't bow to my demons,
I fight them,
And this pain is how I know,
I'm still alive,
Still in the show,
Take a bow now,
Don't let go,
Hang on to that crown,
You're a queen,
So let them know.

~Rei Shiori

Sunday, 13 December 2015


There was the time,
When we said together forever,
Didn't we?
But forever is a long long time,
And we were young,
Naive and love,
Or what we thought it was,
Had us all hung,
Out to dry like laundry in the sun,
Forever was in the mail,
But you just weren't the one.

~Rei Shiori

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Have your way

I should have seen it coming
Cliched as it sounds
The walls were closing in and
I didn’t learn to run
Didn’t learn to breathe on my own
Pinned down under illusions
Of a fairer trade
My heart
For your whiny greed
Unsatisfied despite your luxurious fate
I was content to exist
And you were content to make
My personality fade
I was your little pet
In your cruel gold cage
While you weaved your endless
Wants around my head
Like poison ivy in my dreams
They made me dream in nightshade
And you
Bully that you are
Were simply content
To let me drown
In the lake of guilt you made
Waters closing over my head
No sounds
‘Don’t speak’ you said
You would have your way

 ~Rei Shiori

Sunday, 22 November 2015


It's been a long time since,
I cried myself to sleep,
And cried myself awake,
Half wishing the day doesn't come,
Entirely wishing I was dead,
All these words,
Cut just a little more,
I wake up finding my heart on the floor.

~Rei Shiori

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Hit and miss

Am I just another box to tick,
On your to-do list?
Some times feeling,
This whole thing is like,
A hit and miss.

~Rei Shiori

Thursday, 12 November 2015


Come to me when you feel alone,
I'll call you back,
I'll lead you home,
If your heart ever feels,
It needs to run away,
Take my hand in yours,
Show me the way,
I'll run with you, don't be afraid.

~Rei Shiori

Monday, 12 October 2015


I have you right?
So why do these feelings win?
Every day they crawl beneath my skin,
Why does loneliness,
Still come crashing in?

I feel so forgotten, this wasn't what I thought it'd be like.

~Rei Shiori

Friday, 9 October 2015

Just tired

Just tired of trying so hard. What's the point when I'm never good enough for someone or another? Just want to be left alone.
Tired of being this supposed obedient daughter which I'm not and will not be.
Tired of listening all the time instead of being heard.
Tired of not being able to grow at my own pace, do things the way I want.



Even my writing is shit now.

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Strangers again

In the end,
It all came to this,
My sweetest love,
Turned to bitterest,
All that sharpened teeth,
Why do we always cry,
When something's gone?
Why ask me why?
You know what you did wrong,
Started with the blame game,
Now here we are,
Back to square one,
Less than that,
Strangers again,
Try to tell me how I should feel,
But I'm no longer delirious,
No longer insane,
You were an angel,
But a devil is what you became.

~Rei Shiori

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Wake me

Just get me tired,
Then let me down,
Hanging by a thread,
Head bowed low,
Won't you say this is a fleeting dream?
What I look like,
Is never what I mean,
Tearing apart at the seams,
Leaking out,
All these muddied feelings,
Will you wade in me,
Till the floods clear,
And I can see again,
Or will you leave in fear,
Will you wake me,
This nightmares keep me awake,
Constantly drowining,
In my mistakes.

~Rei Shiori

For You

I've always been one to fight,
Never again underdog,
Never again crouched down,
Holed up in a corner,
Eyes scrunched tight,
Words lashing,
I made my way,
Slowly surely,
Scars hidden away,
Figured I'd make it,
At least blazing to the top,
Even if not,
I'd be that bright spark,
Before I go out,
Oh but these arms are weary now,
And this mind is so heavy,
My thoughts are rain clouds,
Grey, dreary,
I can't fight as I used to,
I can't swim against currents,
This heart has been abused too,
But I say your name,
And shadows turn despite,
Their cloaking darkness,
Was once suffocating night,
I say your name,
My prayer,
My charm,
I'd fight myself to keep you from harm,
My demons,
I'll slay,
This thunderstorm,
The thoughts I keep,
I'll quell their rage,
I scream and I cry,
But they only echo in my mind,
Touch me,
Your warmth brings silence,

~Rei Shiori

~Rei Shiori

Friday, 11 September 2015

Missing you

I’m supposed to be studying right now. But somehow it feels a little off without you here with me. I don’t want to sound clingy, really. Even then, I’ll say this at the risk of sounding like a very obsessed girlfriend, I’m pretty sure I’ve never missed someone to the point of feeling lost without them. I can function fine. I can actually study. Just not now. Not when I’m feeling the absence of you so acutely that it makes my rib cage feel so hollow. Which I will be feeling more of in the coming months. I know well enough when I jumped into this. With everyone telling me I’d be facing weeks on end of not being able to see you or touch you. I can hear your voice. But it really isn’t the same. Nothing’s the same without you. And that’s ok. I still know you’re there. I love you.

Tuesday, 8 September 2015


The first time you mentioned it, I hesitated. I'd never heard of a couple showing that they were a couple by the watches they wear. And to be honest I thought to myself rather amused, well, there goes the practical side of him again. Then I realized that every time I looked for the time, there you were.

For every minute I was away from you, I was aware, more than ever. It felt more intimate than a pair of rings which although symbolic and pretty, was really not something I'd wear constantly (thank you, OCD =.=). It was a practical gift but it was also one of the most thoughtful ones I've received. You knew I'd always have trouble remembering the time and keeping track of it.

Next to you, my responsible side pales in comparison and my thoughts seem more flighty. You were always the dependable one. You still are. And how I love you for that.

That practical side of you, as much as it sometimes exasperates me is something I'd never want you to change. Yes, it makes you seem occasionally rather insensitive and even thoughtless, especially since your practicality extends to your words (shorter is not always better). But I realized, that's just you looking out for the both of us (sometimes more you than me though XD ) because my head isn't always all there. I'm glad you're the one who's more logical. Because I'd only get stressed trying to be the logical one when I'm the one that's insanely spontaneous and makes you want to go crazy with my sudden plans and moods. Let me be the one to teach you how to let go. You don't always have to be so perfect.

I want to be the one place you can come home to and relax. I want to be that button that makes all those tabs go away, even if just for a while. You don't always have to be the stronger one. That's what I was meant to be for you. Be strong everywhere else out there in that big world. But be you when you're with me. I just want you to know, no matter how pissy I am, you come first. And if you're hurt or sad or just plain frustrated, come back to me. I'll try to make everything better again to the best of my ability. I'm not much, but I'm here for you. I love you.

Wednesday, 2 September 2015


I'd walk on water for you if I could,
You make me dream again,
I thought I'd turned to ashes,
A lost piece of driftwood.

~Rei Shiori

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Self-sacrifice VS Relationship abuse

Society puts women who put up with shit from their partner as being an exemplary other half. Yet they condemn those who escape from the clutches of domestic violence and abusive relationships as being so stupid to end up in those relationships or staying in them.

Why is that?

Self-sacrifice is something often looked for in a partner, specifically women. Not that men don't get that kind of expectations from their partners either, but it's a majority-women-only kind of situation. Mothers teach their daughters "Be patient with him, remember, love is kind and gentle. Love forgives." But how much can love forgive when it comes to loving a self-centered brat? How much can love take, when the demands begin to overwhelm and suffocate, way beyond the boundaries of what is human. Eventually we go with the flow, do as he likes, not because of love or out of love, but because we're sick of the whiny shit that he pulls every time he doesn't get his way. The man-child. Feared creature that has not emerged from his mother's arms but tries to grab you like a much-abused plaything.

After watching the Viddsee video titled Gloria , I realized this one thing. It left me feeling sick and disgusted but at the same time pleased. Why? The main character's ex is asked why she left him with no warning. Her reply touched a raw nerve in me that while screaming silently, sang of a memory I relive when watching the short film. I have been that girl. I have felt like Gloria has. But I have also been Kate, his under-appreciated fiancee. Truth to be told, I'd ask Kate to dump his sorry ass before she starts to regret it too. Someone as childish as that, would continue to take decades before maturing no matter how many promises are made and broken. Some never mature at all. But I digress.

SPOILER ALERT: Gloria tells Leo that he has never looked at her and loved her for being her. He loves her because he wants her to be his dream girl. She is not and never would be his dream girl, and realizing this, she leaves him. Point is? He doesn't see her as she is. He doesn't see her at all. And up till he is engaged to Kate, he still does not see the women who love and have loved him as who they are. He still questions why he marries them simply because they don't want the things he wants. This made me feel so sick to the stomach I wanted to cry. And Kate? What's her reason for sticking by this big, childish, immature asshat? The producer only knows because I for one feel that this, is the kind of video that makes women think they ought to be that self-sacrificing martyr.

I'd say get out there and burn some bridges, girl. He's no man, he's a baby with the ego the size of the galaxy and the balls the size of his brain.

~Rei Shiori

Sunday, 23 August 2015

Catching up...post-mortem of a relationship+emotional state

My mother used to say that my only emotion was anger. 

If only she knew how much deeper my emotions ran in my veins that they thickened my blood to a quiet, brooding silence, often mistaken for, you guessed it. Anger. I was never particularly good at hiding or showing my emotions. Now I’ve lost control over both. I cannot talk without crying. And stress sets me off like an automated fountain, programmed to go off at every motion its sensor detects. OCD has taken care of my anger. I hope you’re pleased to know, it barely turns to anger now. It merely becomes anxiety. The kind of gnawing anxiety that sits in the pit of my stomach, making me clench my fists and dig my nails so deep into my palm that I leave half crescent marks that don’t fade for hours. So deep that I leave half-moon bruises embedded in the thin skin, made thinner by countless washings of my hands because of my OCD. But you wouldn’t know that right? You’d probably see this insane person looking like she’s about to bite your head off for something trivial. Sometimes it’s trivial to you, but not to me. See, like dropping something my very OCD self has just washed. Or, I don’t know, maybe touching something dirty and then coming near me while insisting it was clean. Trust me. I saw it get dirty. 

I have felt a multitude of emotions wash over me ever since the day I dumped my fifth (you read that right) boyfriend. None of them have been about missing him. But I have missed what he used to do for me. Before everything blew up in my face, he was a pretty sweet guy. You know the type, opens doors for you, pulls your chair out for you, waits for you to eat before he digs in, makes sure you always eat something because he knows you get gastric, waits up for you when you can’t walk fast enough…Prince Charming material except everyone knows Prince Charming has the brains of an emu, not that I want to insult Prince Charming since after all he does go through all the actions of being a gentleman.  I miss those actions, just not the dude. Regrets? I have none. Except maybe wasting too much time trying to figure out if I should’ve stayed or left. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not this ultra-bitter bitch who thinks every guy is an asshole or that princessy girl who wants everything done for her. It’s just nice once in a while to have someone come in and sweep you off your feet. Preferably not with a broom though. And certainly not sweep you off your feet to repeat Neanderthal procedures of “you’re a woman therefore you do the chores” or “you make pretty good arm candy” or even the “let’s go at it like rabbits” kind. 

My one emotion, anger, has evolved by leaps and quantum light years since the last time I checked. Now my range consists mostly of annoyed, sad, depressed, anxious, hurt and moody. I do still get pissy from time to time, so do beware. 

This kitten has claws.

Just talk

I have not written anything for myself in so long that it feels like a stranger coming home to a life he should have known. What with everything going on, I still feel as empty as before. Work cannot take that hunch away from me any longer; call it paranoia if you will. But I feel like I’m going insane inside and nobody sees that. Because I continue to go through the motions and live like nothing ever changed, because I still smile on cue and try to say the things I should be saying, therefore I seem ok.

I am not ok. 

I am not ok because I feel like I’m living someone else’s life and that I’m just in everyone’s way. That pesky little thing left on everyone’s to-do list. That nuisance. 

I am not ok because no matter how much I try to live in the present, I will always compare what I have now to what I had back then. Don’t believe the lies when people tell you they will treat you like the princess you are. You’re no princess. You don’t have what it takes, none of all that beauty and shit. All you have is that bitter heart and that constantly self-deprecating mind. And they’re no white knight in shining armour either. Romance is an illusion that drugs you. A poppy full of opium, all prettily decked out in colours of blood and pain. Don’t you come crashing down after that high? I do. I crash when I realize that people are not as they seem. I’ve been there so many many times and yet I am still like this, naïve and hopeful. Romance is a lie. Friendship is a lie. If it’s all smiles and sunshine, I must’ve probably died and gone to heaven. 

To feel so much and not be able to talk is killing me. The anxiety of never being enough, of not doing well enough is killing me. I cannot keep fighting the tears, but I cannot keep boring the people around me with them. I feel so fragile. One more break and I’ll just go so far crazy I might never come back. I’m so tired. Can I please not feel anything anymore? I can’t keep up the act. I’ve never been good at acting. So I’ve gone over to hiding. 

As I’m typing this I’m crying quietly just a screen away from you. Just a few inches away. And you will never know a thing until it’s over and I’ve destroyed myself again ten times over from the inside. Can you hear the bits of me disintegrating? Don’t worry. I’ll build myself back up into that person that you want by the time the world awakens. And they wonder why I have so many masks. 

Every time I call out for help,to try and tell someone how this storm inside feels today and the only voice I hear is my own, I die a little more inside. I'm not sure anyone really sees me anymore.  I think they just see what they want, when they want it and I'm just this tiny part of a bigger plan they have for life. A tiny, insignificant part.

One to another

You were chaos to my enraptured mind,
All of you,
Beautifully disturbing to this,
My demented thoughts inside,
But right after you calmed,
This crazed storm within,
You started another,
I cannot win.

~Rei Shiori


Like all that came before,
It was another illusion,
Was it not?
Why fan these flames,
When I am but another,
Tick in the box,
If you cannot live with it,
I can well do without,
I'm not just another duty,
Some accomplishment,
Which you have won,
Something scheduled into a time slot.

~Rei Shiori

Saturday, 22 August 2015


It was a chronic kind of sadness,
And she could not explain it,
Any more than he could understand it,
So they lay in bed,
Staring till the silence grew too thick,
It was like an eclipse,
Another sun,
Retreating bit by bit.

~Rei Shiori

Thursday, 13 August 2015


I can hear you so loudly,
My heart hurts.

~Rei Shiori

Tuesday, 11 August 2015


They say you'll know,
When you're depressed,
Everything loses it's colour,
Becomes a little,
Washed out,
But what if I feel,
Merely drained,
And tired,
Of everything,
What if I'm just,
Tired of myself?

~Rei Shiori


Why do you shine so bright,
Yet still try to hide?
I see it in your face,
But you turn away,
Why can't I kiss these scars,
All the others have made?
I can't trust you,
But I can't trust myself more,
Not to make the same mistakes,
Why do I hide?
But you hide too, love,
I can't understand,
Why you burn bridges,
But can't let go of the ashes,
Long after they've turned to dust,
Why do you choose to hurt?
Who are you to be fixing my burns,
When you're still bleeding from the pain,
Of all these old wounds?
We're both the ones,
Who cared even after they were done leaving,
Look at me,
Look at you,
I'll lick your wounds clean,
If you'll be this broken heart's glue.

~Rei Shiori

Monday, 13 July 2015


I was always in the dirt,
In the dark,
Owing everyone myself,
Ripping out my heart,
Giving, giving till I can't breathe,
Holding on to,
Glass shards of dreams,
Gave you all,
You gave me hell,
Hung on anyway,
Rung my own death knell.

~Rei Shiori

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

I am the darkness

I am not part of the darkness,
I am the darkness,
I'm that voice I hear,
All my mundane,
Silent fears,
Stoked into a frantic panic,
I am the angry tears,
I, the violence against myself,
The whirlwind tornado,
The welts against my own,
Parchment skin,
These are my briars,
They write on me,
So I can begin to feel again,
And in the echoes they leave by morning,
I am the shadow shell,
The hollow emptiness,
It is my own doing,
I am the darkness,
And in darkness only,
I live within.

~Rei Shiori

Monday, 20 April 2015

Broken - Musings

“How broken are you?” he asked above the steaming mugs of hot chocolate and coffee sitting prettily in their red and white porcelain mugs. All around us, chirpy songs were playing to cheer up the dreary day as rain poured outside the glass doors of the café. I thought quietly about the question, the spoon going round and round in my mug gathering marshmallows in fluffy white clouds with every swirl.  How does one answer that? I didn’t quite know, the normally eloquent me was at a loss for words. But then again, so many bits of me had been broken over the years. The betrayals, the losses…it was too much over time, I supposed. So many things had changed me. They had taken away my words, dried up my imagination and my bright and beautiful outlook of the world was gone, just like that. I was not the young, naïve girl I once was. 


Yes, I was definitely broken. It hurt me to say so. It was as if the brokenness of me cut myself deeper as I admitted it. Even then a little worm of resentment burst its way through the walls of my scarred heart at the trap his question made for me. I eyed him over the rim of my mug as I took a sip. “Very.” I huffed out a reply as if blowing on my chocolate. His raised brows indicated he didn’t quite understand me. “Very broken.” I repeated quietly, more to myself than to him, an affirmation of a situation of being rather than an answer. 

My previously calm mood evaporated. Curls of steam floated up from the surface of the mug. The music continued to play. He watched me with his dark brown eyes, questioning, seeking some other longer explanation. But I offered none. Not because I couldn’t, but because I had none to give. 

I was all out of reasons, 22 and already tired of life. This jaded person I’d become, I barely recognized her. That pale complexion that faded out into nothingness the more you stared at it, ordinary, common. The personality, hammered down to fit in, fit in, fit in. and yet the feeling of never fitting in. Constantly searching and yet turning up empty handed, empty hearted. He would not understand, brought up in a world so unlike mine, so languid and perfect in comparison. Perfect. I loathed the word and yet wanted to be it. So typically human. Always wanting what was not mine.


Who reads these,
The memories that run,
From my hands,
My fingers that turn,
Deftly weave,
How was your day?
I did this today,
And met so-and-so,
You never take the time to know me,
Who am I,
This girl who hides behind,
A metal shell,
Connecting to the world,
From behind tiny screens,
And glossy black letters,
Yet afraid,
Always in wait,
Lie still,
They won't find you here,
The lull is real,
The quiet is real,
The loneliness,
It is also real.

~Rei Shiori


It's been a while,
Old friend,
I thought the darker days were over,
And that I would write,
In happy prose,
And like them,
Admiring life,
Through rose tinted glasses,
And lovestruck eyes,
Has been a fiend,
I don't remember as I should,
Doesn't run as I thought it would,
Is running to an end,
And the halcyon days are shortening,
Like winter,
It's coming,
In the ominous clouds,
And breathless,
Choking haze,
I wander,
I wonder,
But still,
I cannot remember.

~Rei Shiori

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Salt and Fire

When you wash,
These weary eyes with tears,
Salt and bitterness,
You let go of your fears,
And the fires,
Of hatred,
Or anger,
Or if you're lucky,
Only then can they start,
And may they burn forever,
In the darkness of your heart.

~Rei Shiori

Sunday, 1 March 2015


I keep moving,
Because if I don't,
My mind,
And the inching creeping thoughts,
Like black ants on a sugar cube,
Drive me insane,
And I scratch till I bleed,
Tear out my hair,
Bite my feet,
Yet I can't,
I can't be rid of it,
And the thoughts that haunt me,
They live in me,
Inhaled in the air,
Eaten in my bread,
I try to bleed it out,
And tear my skin,
Yet they live on,
My phobias creep beneath my skin.

~Rei Shiori

Broken down

Sometimes I wonder if you know,
How deep the damage actually goes,
Or do you not understand,
That when I cry,
I'm drowning myself inside,
The phobias,
They flush out,
No place to hide,
And I see you try,
But if I can't handle my demons,
Nobody else can,
No one can stare me in the eye,
Without being broken down a little more inside.

~Rei Shiori

Wednesday, 21 January 2015


We're all hoarders by nature,
Holding on to,
A little bit of this,
A tiny scrap of that,
And sometimes we forget,
That we felt this way before,
Or loved before,
And it all goes,
To bitter,
A mess that stays.

~Rei Shiori

If only you knew

I am slowly melting,
Falling apart,
Under the pressure,
Of being me,
And this persistent buzzing,
Of voices in my head,
It never goes away,
So I snap at you,
And everyone else too,
And I talk too loud,
Because I don't want,
To hear the demons in my brain,
Tearing my sanity to pieces,
Even as I speak,
To say I'm ok,
I walk slow,
To stave off this aching,
And I sleep later,
To tire out myself from thinking,
I don't dare dream,
Because my hands,
They are always full of blood,
And I worry,
I'm slowly going crazy,
If only you knew how I worry.

~Rei Shiori