Anywhere but goodbye

You ask me why

My thumb draws circles

On the backs of your hands

Round and round they go

Like that childhood song

Round and round they go

I bite my lip to stop

The tears from coming

My heart feels so low

You talk like we’ll have forever

Drawing castles in the air

It’s never been anything but a dare

You say goodbye like it means

Temporary

Like you don’t realize how scary

It seems to be

That if I kiss you in parting today

A week from now

I’ll have to walk past you like

We never touched

And that is the reality I must bear

Those pictures I took in your room

The yellow walls

They now entomb

The one I would’ve died for

But you didn’t care

And yet again

That is the reality I must bear

I’d rather be anywhere else

Than where you say

Goodbye

~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.

Don't ask me

We forget that our eyes speak

Even if our mouths close

Shut tight plastered with smiles

Our eyes weep silent tears that they don’t see

Nobody gets past the curves

And we fool ourselves thinking

This is right

This is right

This is right

I am alright

They don’t see the waterfalls

Etched down the grooves of our cheeks

The hollow bones carving caverns

Where our hearts don’t show on our sleeves

Don’t ask me why my eyes look hollowed out

Darker caves than before

Like someone blackened them with ashes

Of a heart burnt to dust

Like the bloody bruised remnants of a fight

Internalized so it won’t harm

Won’t make a sound

Not even when I hit the ground at night

Curled up in a ball

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me why my collarbones stand out so

And my breath aches like a quiet whisper

Snaking past my throat to a smothered whimper

Why I can’t breathe and my eyes go blank

Like panic attacks?

Yes except my ribcage constricts like an anaconda

Winding itself around

Nothing
The emptiness feels like it's splitting me apart
But still

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me why I wrap myself

Endless swathes of clothes when it’s burning

Furiously damning hot

Why though I sweat and sweat

The shivers run through me

Crippling this body

This same skin and bones  and muscles

That you used to trail your fingers along ever so lovingly

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me

If I’ll be ok

Watch for the signs

Have you lost weight?

If only you’d feel my ribcage

You’d see it isn’t the weight I’ve lost

It’s the beating of a heart

~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L

Dealing with ghosts

His hair was rough, wiry even. Like a Scottish terrier’s the strands scratched my chin as I nestled against his head, his breaths coming even and controlled against my chest. His hands, smaller than yours and more delicate, the fingers long and beautiful, an artist’s hands but still a man’s rested softly against my back, one cupping my shoulder blade and the other pressed against the hollow. I closed my eyes and thought of you. The darkness in the room reminded me of the darkness in which you kissed my neck. The way he does now and as someone else will do from now on. It will never be you again.

I can’t say I miss you, truly I don’t. My love for you died about the time you ghosted me, that final unspoken message sinking into the depth of a heart long broken by your inability to love fully. By the way you crushed me beneath your cold pride and your ego threw that last shovel of dirt over the grave of our relationship. How that cut hurt when I poured salt into it, the pain of its sting lasting for a day, then two. Then gone, just like that. It’s amazing how fast anger heals more than melancholic remembrances. 

He cups my cheek in his hand and I sigh into the warmth that is both alien and home. For a moment I can barely tell the difference between the two, the reality of his hand on my skin and the mirage memories of yours touching me the same way. For a moment, I forget to breathe. He is clumsy still, a pup compared to your precision and your knowledge in bed. But he will learn. He is gentle and unsure, a combination I loved once, the good boy learning how to be bad. 

Taming a monster is never a challenge I back down from and God knows I’ve paid the price many times over now. Six to be exact. But this one has a beautiful soul that’s maybe just as broken as mine. The longing that rolls off his skin is a mesmerizing thing. It’s so heavy in the air till it seeps into my lungs; his yearning for human touch is addictive. I remember the way my skin remembers things. First kisses and awkward hugs that turned into breathless passionate stolen moments. He will remember this the way my skin does. Skin memory never forgets.

My mouth on his and I don’t taste you anymore. The taste of his lips, the shape of his tongue; there’s so much to explore again, so much I’ve forgotten in the time I was with you and things were routine, habitual. He learns to kiss me the way you used to do, and the way the rest did before you. He will learn yet. Lips closed, slowly, gently touch and let go. Come back up for air and repeat. 

Maybe this is lucky number seven, who knows? I will live through this and right now, the moment s we shared turn to ashes, smouldering in the heat of my pain and anger. But first remember his lips on mine, stubble brushing the soft skin of my nape and then my collarbones. Tingling and raw I feel every inch of my skin, hypersensitive and itching for more. Greedy. My body has always been a hungry thing and I’ve been starving it so long now.

I learned to let you go, the moment he touched me and felt the bones of my neglect showing through my skin. The way he skimmed his fingers over every bump and controlled his tone, light as possible, don’t pain her more than she has already suffered, that was when I knew it was time to let go. I was never that fragile really. I simply chose to mourn in the only way I knew how. In that grieving I found myself and remembered who I was before you. Maybe I can’t become her again but that doesn’t mean he will suffer for what you did. All the love I had to give you that you never deserved, maybe it will be his. 

Maybe it will be someone who I have yet to know. Someone whose face I have yet to see light up with a smile that will become my rainy day joy and a laugh that will make my belly ache. Someone who will feed me when I get too engrossed watching a show instead of tell me off for being slow. Someone who will nag me for my OCD habits yet still gently give me ground to control myself instead of forcing me the way you did. Someone who will love me and fight for me no matter what. I swear the tears that came as I wrote this are not for you. They are for me. 

I’m mourning the girl who gave all and lost. I’m mourning the love I gave without thinking and the draining emotions I forced upon myself. In those dark hours when I wept and howled to the empty four corners of my room, in the hours you weren’t there for me when you said you’d be, I learned to trust my heart. It has learned to beat again. Guess what, boy? It’s stronger than when it was before. But for now, I will enjoy his touch and I will melt, as I did for you not so long ago. As dawn breaks and streams in through his window I hope the ghost of you leaves me. I’m done praying for the heart and soul of us. 

~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.

You've got to breathe

I tell myself
Breathe
Breathe
Come on
You've got to
It hurts
Hell burning in my lungs
I would sooner die
I'm already there
But the voice goes on and on
Breathe
Come on
You've got to live
Even if I'm clutching
My pillow to my chest
To keep my heart from spilling out
I love you
I love you
Please come back
I hold it back
Push it all in and try not to cry
Breathe
Breathe
You've got to breathe
But all I want to do is die

Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.

I write your name on my hands

I write your name on my hands
And in a quiet breath
Breathe in the memories you and I left
In the wake of your silence
I contemplate
The ink barely dried yet
It’s never too late
Chin up
Face forward
I’ve never been one to run

I write your name on my hands
And I kiss my palms the way you did
That cold June night
When it was under your blanket that I hid

I write your name on my hands
Because it’s the only way I know how
My hands typed these words
Just as they have typed ‘I love you’s then and now


Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.

Soft

I'm growing softer, malleable almost. My bones liquid ivory, like milk they slosh around inside of my body, the skin barely holding it all in. I am growing into the girl I never wished to be. My memories are tear-filled nights and masked days, the bruises on my body show just as much as the lacerations in my mind. They never stop bleeding, did you know that?

At night you emerge with your whips and chains, your tongue at ready to tear and rend what is not yours. I have long submitted to it in my mind but outwardly you seem to see me fight. Why else do you wield your weapons even more cruelly than before?

There’s a sinking feeling now when you’re gone, lost are the days of happy anticipation of a word from my favourite person. This body you used to hold has grown cold. I no longer remember who you are. Breaks are filled with a hollow dread of loss even though you still exist. You remain and yet something is gone. 

Like a fruit gone bad, I squish myself into a ball as best I can, wedging the pillows into the hollows your body used to fill. I can almost sense the ghost of you there but when I tell you so you pretend not to hear. I dismiss it and move on to my alter-ego who I adopted at your behest, bright, cheery me. I will put up this mask for as long as it takes for you to remember who you were before. All that accompanies me is a prayer, heartfelt and worn around the edges like my mind. I hold my thoughts at night and worry at them till they fray and possibly, hopefully begin to unravel and make sense of you. 

The sun brings tears of a different kind that I struggle to blink away. I wilt now, softening in the light as I emerge into the world and go about pretending to be human, to be whole. Deep inside, my spine curls in on itself like a flower whose stem is dying for lack of water. Or perhaps it is simply roots it lacks. 

I can paint my face but it still remains porcelain pale. This flower deemed unfit for the table because it wouldn’t bend just so, it still tries to bloom, crushed petals and all. Mother says I’ve seen a ghost and I agree. It was the ghost of you. And me. 

~ Rachel Alexandrina 

Exes

There was the time,
When we said together forever,
Didn't we?
But forever is a long long time,
And we were young,
Naive and love,
Or what we thought it was,
Had us all hung,
Out to dry like laundry in the sun,
Forever was in the mail,
But you just weren't the one.

~Rei Shiori

Run

Come to me when you feel alone,
I'll call you back,
I'll lead you home,
If your heart ever feels,
It needs to run away,
Take my hand in yours,
Show me the way,
I'll run with you, don't be afraid.

~Rei Shiori

For You

I've always been one to fight,
Never again underdog,
Never again crouched down,
Holed up in a corner,
Eyes scrunched tight,
Words lashing,
I made my way,
Slowly surely,
Scars hidden away,
Figured I'd make it,
At least blazing to the top,
Even if not,
I'd be that bright spark,
Before I go out,
Oh but these arms are weary now,
And this mind is so heavy,
My thoughts are rain clouds,
Grey, dreary,
I can't fight as I used to,
I can't swim against currents,
This heart has been abused too,
But I say your name,
And shadows turn despite,
Their cloaking darkness,
Was once suffocating night,
I say your name,
My prayer,
My charm,
I'd fight myself to keep you from harm,
My demons,
I'll slay,
This thunderstorm,
Caged,
The thoughts I keep,
I'll quell their rage,
I scream and I cry,
But they only echo in my mind,
Touch me,
Your warmth brings silence,
Divine.

~Rei Shiori

~Rei Shiori

Missing you

I’m supposed to be studying right now. But somehow it feels a little off without you here with me. I don’t want to sound clingy, really. Even then, I’ll say this at the risk of sounding like a very obsessed girlfriend, I’m pretty sure I’ve never missed someone to the point of feeling lost without them. I can function fine. I can actually study. Just not now. Not when I’m feeling the absence of you so acutely that it makes my rib cage feel so hollow. Which I will be feeling more of in the coming months. I know well enough when I jumped into this. With everyone telling me I’d be facing weeks on end of not being able to see you or touch you. I can hear your voice. But it really isn’t the same. Nothing’s the same without you. And that’s ok. I still know you’re there. I love you.