This is how I die

And this is how I die

I die with your breath on my skin

Lips running over        

Echoes of words exploding within

I breathe

Then don’t

While you move on again

Claiming yet another ghost

Of the girls who once loved you

~Rachel A.N.C.L.

Overdose

Every time there’s another break up

My body goes into shut down mode

Starvation mode they like to call it

Hollowed cheekbones

Half dazed eyes that smiles

Normalcy forged

Cannot fake nor hide

Food becomes a scarcity that passes these lips

Perhaps I want to smoke you

The very essence I drank in of your breath

The taste of you on the tip of my tongue

Lingering

It kills the taste for everything else

And my stomach rebels if it’s not you

It doesn’t help even if he’s feeding me

I feel nothing but your hand brush against my skin

I’m sorry, I tell him

I’m sorry if I cringe

Really, love

He was only trying to help me

This hollowed out shell of a human body

Where once these curves you rested so casually

Arms draped over this waist and hips

Warmth in the night

Your arm heavy

It’s been weeks now and I can count my bones

Every bone on my body

I see them all piercing the fog that impedes me

The maelstrom has calmed but holds

That quiet foggy aftermath that the wind doesn’t stir

I don’t think if I can

And dreaming

If only I could have it banned

I swear I’ve seen you more in my dreams than in reality

You were never this close

And my heart knows

Every memory a bitter pill

You’re just another dose

So let me take one too many of it

After all I write best when broken

Overdosing is just another token

Of your love that's a medicine

I'm now allergic to

~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.

Poison Apple

You'll be my poison apple,
I'll be your looking glass,
The one dream that cannot happen,
Is the one that in my mind still lasts,
The clock strikes midnight,
Twelve doleful chimes,
Goodbye my sweet knight,
Hello to you whom i despise.

 ~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.

Rent

The Lord is my shelter and my strength

In Him I trust

In Him I trust

Yet why do I feel so broken and spent

My heart feels the worst

Torn down, aching

Silently spent

Tears keep dripping

Misery pays no rent

~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.

Anywhere but goodbye

You ask me why

My thumb draws circles

On the backs of your hands

Round and round they go

Like that childhood song

Round and round they go

I bite my lip to stop

The tears from coming

My heart feels so low

You talk like we’ll have forever

Drawing castles in the air

It’s never been anything but a dare

You say goodbye like it means

Temporary

Like you don’t realize how scary

It seems to be

That if I kiss you in parting today

A week from now

I’ll have to walk past you like

We never touched

And that is the reality I must bear

Those pictures I took in your room

The yellow walls

They now entomb

The one I would’ve died for

But you didn’t care

And yet again

That is the reality I must bear

I’d rather be anywhere else

Than where you say

Goodbye

~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L.

Don't ask me

We forget that our eyes speak

Even if our mouths close

Shut tight plastered with smiles

Our eyes weep silent tears that they don’t see

Nobody gets past the curves

And we fool ourselves thinking

This is right

This is right

This is right

I am alright

They don’t see the waterfalls

Etched down the grooves of our cheeks

The hollow bones carving caverns

Where our hearts don’t show on our sleeves

Don’t ask me why my eyes look hollowed out

Darker caves than before

Like someone blackened them with ashes

Of a heart burnt to dust

Like the bloody bruised remnants of a fight

Internalized so it won’t harm

Won’t make a sound

Not even when I hit the ground at night

Curled up in a ball

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me why my collarbones stand out so

And my breath aches like a quiet whisper

Snaking past my throat to a smothered whimper

Why I can’t breathe and my eyes go blank

Like panic attacks?

Yes except my ribcage constricts like an anaconda

Winding itself around

Nothing
The emptiness feels like it's splitting me apart
But still

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me why I wrap myself

Endless swathes of clothes when it’s burning

Furiously damning hot

Why though I sweat and sweat

The shivers run through me

Crippling this body

This same skin and bones  and muscles

That you used to trail your fingers along ever so lovingly

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me

If I’ll be ok

Watch for the signs

Have you lost weight?

If only you’d feel my ribcage

You’d see it isn’t the weight I’ve lost

It’s the beating of a heart

~Rachel Alexandrina N.C.L