There's so many things to get off my mind lately. I think my finals is just about the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all that. Indecision, the one that has been hounding me since I agreed to something hasn't fully left.
Imagine this, you get everything you want in a person with the exception of certain things. I know we can never have it all, but this is a little cruel to me. I can imagine some people calling me a hypocrite. I once said some things regarding people I would never date and yeah, here I am breaking all the rules again. That's rules. With an 's'. Plural. A lot of rules.
I cannot give this up. Not when there's a heart on the line, and one that is bigger and better than any of the rest I've ever seen. Not when I've been treated better than anyone has ever done for me. I realize how blessed I am when I look at him and my best friend. I'd be ungrateful if I didn't say thank you to God for the gift of you.
I was so wrong when I said all those things I did regarding physical attraction. I have never realized the error of what I've been doing. Someone once told me he changed everything about himself from physical to language-wise just because of me. That might have been one of his lies, but I don't think it's ever a good idea. Maybe it's better to let looks take a backseat and love. Really really love the person. Maybe. The future is still unwritten.
How far would you go for love? Would you disregard every other aspect other than the heart or the personality of the person? Because I find it hard. Admittedly, I'm not perfect. I'm no beauty queen either, but I still find it hard. Everyday I struggle not to say something that I know he cannot help. I try not to touch on that topic. I am so shallow. So very very shallow. And I hate myself for that. Every bloody time it slides to the tip of my tongue, I hate myself.
I can't deny I love him and everything he does for me. He may not be as good with words as the one before him. But isn't that why I like him? Words can twist and wrap around a broken heart, making it all look ok. Making everything look fine when it isn't. Making empty promises they can never keep. I've seen it all, and all I want is to be with somebody who doesn't make me feel like I'm walking a tightrope. I am afraid. Not of losing myself this time. He may not be as cute as the one before him, and yes ex, if you're reading this, I thought you were cute. In a society that thinks more of physical than emotional or personality-wise, you rated higher than he ever will. But guess what, in every thing else, he tops you. No, this isn't revenge. It's just me getting someone better than you.
Why do I love him?
I love the way he teases me to death, it kind of reminds me of my own parents and I know they're still sticking with each other despite everything.
I love the way he tells me he will never use me like you did. That lets me know he respects me enough. I can tell from the way he's straining to control himself, and he does it.
I love the way he carries me away from the computer when he thinks I'm too obsessed with it. Because he knows I am and it isn't good to be up late doing the shit I do. And I like it, because it shows he wants to spend time with ME, not just texting and hiding behind the screen all the time. He wants to talk to me, to see me face-to-face. All of which I never got when I was with you. Guess who pushed me away when I wanted to resolve matters? Who hid all the problems till it was too late? Who told me he'd walk away when I cried? I know tears make guys uncomfortable, well most of them anyway, but awkward as it was, he was there when I was all choked up. When I was scared of what I'd done and the consequences. When I was confused, all he told me was it was going to work out and if it didn't, it'd be ok anyway. Things were meant to happen as they happened.
I love the way he knows my moods. When I'm angry. When I'm sad. When I'm PMS-ing and nothing seems alright with me. He sits through it. Not forgetting, I see him. EVERY DAY. That can't be easy. I know, hell I'm never easy to deal with. My temper is enough to scare the daylights out of anyone. But he does it. He's still here. I'm counting the days till he snaps at me. He has. Once. And that's good. Because I know inside all that is a human heart. Who loves and forgives. Not a robot. Not someone who just says "Let your will be done, never mind me." all the time. I'm sick of that. I want someone with a spine, someone who isn't afraid to say what he wants now. And he's all that and more.
I love the way he knows what he wants and isn't afraid to get it. If he wants my attention he gets it. Too forcefully sometimes but he never hurts me. Never. Not even emotionally.
I love the way he tries so hard to make me laugh all the time. God knows that's one of the worst tasks to undertake. I rarely laugh outside of my social circle which involves unmentionable jokes and stuff that shouldn't be here. He's not crass, but he makes me laugh. He makes me feel safe enough to let go and be myself, stupid and crazy as I am, bedhead, unwashed face and all.
I love how he doesn't give a crap about what anyone else thinks. I cannot do that, no matter how hard I try and I say I don't care. The slightest word sets me off. Yes, I'm a time bomb. And he isn't. Surprised? It works. We work. It's not easy when people tell me I'm with the wrong person and that he's so-and-so. It's hard when they tell me I'm going too fast. I just try to remind myself not to let things slip away.
I love it when he gets overprotective and jealous. It's actually cute. But he's not overly possessive like you. If I say so, it goes. He lets me be me. Even if sometimes the me is seriously idiotic and has not an ounce of common sense. He lets it go. Because he knows I hate being caged or controlled. You never realized, how much I hated it. Being happy all the time, not being able to be anything else. I don't have sunshine radiating out my ass like your girl. I can never be perfect. He knows. And if he cares, he hasn't mentioned it at all. I appreciate that.
I love how he doesn't know the whole story but just goes with the flow anyway. He knows about you. But he doesn't know the whole story. Not every detail. Eventually, I'll tell him. He will understand. He already knows how damaged I am inside. I haven't said anything about that to him. But he knows. He knows I am sad. And he knows I take time to accept things and to heal. He says it's ok. He'll just work at it until you're totally gone from my heart. What he doesn't realize is that if that happens, the bitterness goes away too. I smile when I'm with him. Just watching him sleep is enough to set me off. I watch and smile like an idiot.
I love it when he cares for me. He does more than sit at my bedside and hold my hand although I do love that. Who other than your parents would care enough to drop everything they're doing just to make sure you're alright? Who would walk with you just to make sure you're safe even though they can easily find other means of transport? Who would do anything for you, even if it means getting the laundry back for you from the cleaners because you're tired, as if he isn't? Who else? I'm blessed with more than what others have and more.
Tell me again, why is it wrong for me to love him? Why is it wrong to be in love now? Love doesn't take all the time in the world. You don't stare at a person forever and forget everything, it just means reworking your schedule to fit them in. Even if it's just small doses. Just a hi or a bye per day. SO WHAT? Who ever said we'd have to have all roses and sunshine? Who said it was supposed to be easy? Who said it had to take time? If it was really love, it would just happen. You don't forget you love someone over the span of a day without seeing them. Just a good morning text makes my day. Sometimes he forgets. Or I do. But I realize it doesn't really matter. Sometimes things happen in between and there isn't enough time or memory space for something so small, but it's alright because he remembers me. And I remember us too.
I love the way he touches me. With respect. With hesitation. Gently. And with permission. Unlike you.
I remember everything. I rarely forget if someone walks into my life and changes it. Much less if they change me. Even less if they made me into someone I could barely recognize. Let's hope he'll be wiser than you too. I'm not holding my breath for anything because this time, this isn't going to be faked. This is real and I'm going to let it flow as it is.